


FORCED

by Rumified



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Angst, F/F, Sexual Content, Strong Language
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-10-26
Updated: 2014-04-11
Packaged: 2017-12-30 13:46:51
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 14
Words: 30,581
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1019342
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Rumified/pseuds/Rumified
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>FORCED is a psychological deconstruction of cause and effect between these two characters. It's a fiction of painfully in-depth exegesis of typical everyday human emotion and thought that is extremely exaggerated by critical thinking from yours truly, that focuses greatly on justification for the means of things making sense base on complicated situations that I put them in. So if this sounds fun, you're going to love this. Be advised, the angst is unbelievable.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Part One

**Author's Note:**

> I want to apologize for the horrific errors that await you as you read this, it was a spur of the moment idea that I had going to work and as I kept adding chapters to it, my writing style has become less horrible. At least I like to believe so. You'll see what I'm talking about as you get further in this fiction. I really think you'll like it, or be devastated out of your mind. It's always those two for some reason.

"I'm not accustomed to begging" that's what Annie said with fainted frustration under Mikasa’s grip. A small smirk arise on her lips upon hearing such confession. This was new to Mikasa, like Annie she wasn't used to torturing someone to submission. But Annie didn't need to know that. Not by a long shot. While the situation was entirely new for Mikasa since she was on top she can't allow herself to be challenged by her former decision to take the younger blond before her.

 

Mikasa hated losing, her vanity got the best of her ever since she made that outburst about being stronger than the others, knowing full and well that she was caught in the moment that she can't eat her words in front of Annie, not this far. Not this close to doing something so bold. It was that type of mentally and stubbornness that lead Mikasa to this mess.

  
But just now as those words escaped Annie’s lips Mikasa’s blood started pulsing through her and started to feel more warmer as a result. She was very excited by this new found control. Control that didn't even prove to be a challenge for her that Annie would sub-comb this easily. Annie was under her mercy, and she wouldn't do anything as foolish as letting her be and get off her. She quickly smirk and turned it into a challenge. 'Just how far can I push her?'  Mikasas eyes bewilder. She fail to respond back to what Annie had stated earlier who was giving her a questionable look, but Mikasa quickly erase it by sliding one of her fingers into her mouth. Annie blinked. Once. Twice. Mikasa's finger dig deeper into her mouth that Annie had to suck it for an instance. Quickly without thinking, Annie close her teeth on it and bit on it surprising Mikasa who wanted to pull her finger out this minute. Annie released it and gave her a glare, "One more time... get off me. Please." Annie stated annoyed that she had to 'beg', this even startle Mikasa more. 'Not accustomed to begging huh..?' Mikasa wondered for an instance, knowing that this was a very poor excuse of a beg. Annie wasn't interested in any sexual relations had she had, she would had remain silent or even goatee her to keep going. She had to realize that Annie wasn't oppose of Mikasa on top of her, she was oppose of the unfamiliar, and this was unfamiliar to her. 

 

Anywhere she doesn't have control over, she was against it. Annie wasn't curious about what Mikasa would do to her, or was even going through her mind when everything is happening. For an instance, Mikasa held back and began to think that Annie would be as kind to pretend this never happen. That this awkwardness would seize to exist. Just as quickly as that thought cross her mind, she quickly lend down and glared at her responding "And if I don't?" in a small whisper loud enough for Annie to hear. Her glare remain frozen on Mikasa, but she boldly stated "than do what you wanted. The sooner you do this, the faster it'll be over."

 

Mikasa was floored, taken completely off guard. This wasn't what she expected. With her mind racing she came to the conclusion that she wasn't going to be ignored, that she won't be just a speed bump for Annie to get over, that this really meant something to her. Enough to get the courage to actually pin the young girl down. Whatever she was going to do meant nothing in the eyes of Annie, and this actually upsetted her. After all the effort to made to get her alone for at least half an hour away from everyone, she wasn't going to allow herself to just be 'over with'. Annie stared at the confused girl for a moment and notice her biting her lower lip knowing full and well she was in deep thought. Their lack of communication was actually nerving Annie, she couldn't move, she knew the moment she'll put strength on her arms, Mikasa will force herself on her again to keep her down.

She looked to the side and saw Mikasa's hand gripping on tightly to the sheet covers, forming a cage for Annie with her body so she won't escape. Annie's eyes open wider, and suddenly felt the seriousness of the situation. How much this means to her, her heart started to race, and her lips parted some as if she were about to speak and turns to face Mikasa in efforts to try to talk the girl out of doing whatever she was going to and is faced quickly with her lips. Soft lips pressed against her. Annie's eyes were widen open, she wasn't accustomed to begging, she was accustomed to being pin down, wrestle about, being physical with someone during training, but this was nothing she has ever experience before.

 

Kindness. Love even. Mikasa slipped her tongued in and Annie started to squirm under her sudden confusion about what is happening now. 10 long seconds which could had been hours for Annie who was blushing red by the time Mikasa pulled back. 'Out of all the things you could had done..' Annie began thinking giving her a small glare and finally asks "why?" between her pants. It was so simple, it didn't add to her what Mikasa was probably looking for. Unless she wasn't done, it didn't make any sense why any of this was happening. There was no confession from her either.

Mikasa smiled, very content with herself and started to get off her finally. "I want to keep you aching.." She said standing up on her own two feet looking down at Annie who was now sitting up confused by her respond beyond belief. "How? I don't understand." Annie stated pulling herself up as well. "You don't have to. I'll come back for more later.." Mikasa stated as she started to walk out. "-Wait!" Annie shouted walking up to her pulling her from her jacket making her stop in her tracks. "Answer me one thing, why did you kiss me?" Annie asked in all seriousness.

 

Mikasa was silence for a moment. "I want you to remember me. Everyone remembers their first kiss." She finally stated and opens the door leaving Annie behind speechless.


	2. Part Two

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Italics are inner thoughts. Annie's POV.

Annie was left alone in the small room where Mikasa had just stolen her first kiss trying to decipher what all of this meant. Replaying all the things that Mikasa had said earlier. _Does it even matter knowing?_ Was all Annie could think of and she _desperately_ wanted to know just how cruel Mikasa can be to do something like this. She honestly began to wonder if Mikasa actually _hated_ her. _She was right about one thing though, I'm not going to forget you at all_.

  
Annie thoughts came to a sudden stop as Sasha burst into the room scaring the living daylights out of her. She almost took a step back. "Mikasa said there was bread here!"  Sasha asked excitedly as Annie tried to hold her compulsore and tried her best to get back to her usual self. Sash's statement actually confirm any ill thoughts she had of Mikasa, _she was cruel indeed_. "I ate it!" Annie blurted as she made her way out leaving behind a devastated girl inside take her place. Dinner time was around the corner and Annie found herself making her way to the mess hall.

__________________________________

  
_What sweet Hell is this..?_ Annie's leg began to fidget. She couldn't keep her eyes off Ackerman, she felt slowly suffocating knowing that something had happened between them, and pretending to shrug it off was actually nerving her. _J_ _ust what will you do later?_ Is all I could think of. _Its all I need right now. An itch?_ Annie didn't wish to think about _that,_ her eyes shifted some and notice that Bertholdt  has been trying to get her attention for the past five minutes. "Is it Mikasa you're looking at?" He asked curious staring off at the direction Annie was looking, that comment actually got her mad. _Right. Like that wasn't a giveaway, Annie.  
_ Suddenly annoyed by herself, by Bertholdt, by everyone around her for becoming so obvious, for being put in that position, _a_ _position that Mikasa putted me in,_ Annie  _wasn't_ going to answer that  _obvious_ question, suddenly she felt _caged_ in once more and quickly glared at Bertholdt who quickly began to eat his own words as Annie stood up. _I don't have to take this!_ Short temper, that was one of things Annie was known for. And this was a prime example of it. She knew that her reaction was making all the difference between being indifferent to her existence, to being caught red handed that she was in fact _staring_ at her with impure thoughts. "Wait, Annie-" Bertholdt started to speak hoping to reverse time somehow for only _pointing out something so obvious_ , and the worst part of it all, Annie wasn't mad at him to begin with. She was angry that she was _expose_ in some manner, _wait expose?_ She quickly glances up and sees that everyone is looking at her, including Mikasa.

 

That revelation almost floored her from embarassment and she made eye contact with her from across the dining room. _Now I must really get away._ With a sudden reflex, she bolted out of her seat and walked outside slamming the door behind her. "Oh.. she did the same thing again." Sasha took notice as she stuff her face once more recalling the sadness of not being feed any bread at all. "Hmm?" Connie question Sasha and ignored it and turned his attention to Bertholdt. With a big smirk he adds in "Nice one, Bertholdt." Connie sarcastically stated with thumbs up and a wink, Connie, much like the others weren't surprise by Annie's odd en-devours, if anything they half expected Bertholdt or Reiner to followed suit, but when one of them _pissed_ her off, it was anyone's guess who could follow her now. "I wonder what is up with Annie _this time_ " Eren asked as he took a bite of his bread bewilder by the earlier events as he faced Armin who only shrugged it off. Mikasa lowered her eyes and balled her fist under the table feeling conflicted about the whole thing. _Part of me wants to chase her. But I can't be that obvious. I must wait._ Mikasa bit her lower lip once more and pretend to be _normal_ , and for a moment, felt like Annie, _inside a cage._  



	3. Part Three

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Italics are still inner thoughts and monologues.

  
_Damnit Bertholdt. Damnit it Mikasa. Damn-_ Annie seriously had to stop for a moment before she started damming the whole World. Finally coming to a stop after leaving the way she did near an alleyway she leaned her back against it and sighed looking up into the sky. She never wonder why so many idle their days away staring into the sky, today she finally understood. Annie closed her eyes and parted her lips enough to utter "Damn you... Mikasa" _Take responsibility._ That line flashed before her.

 _Take responsibility._ She blinked at that, debating what it could mean. _Should I beat her? Just how does one take responsibility-S_ he suddenly stops on her tracks and took a bite of her lower lip as her cheeks begin to flustered letting the feeling sink in of what she _wanted_ it to mean. What she _needed_ it to be. She did a slight shrug and started to feel that itch as she touched her lips slowly feeling her chest quicken. "Take responsibility, Mikasa."Annie suddenly stops with a determine look knowing what needs to be done. What _needs_ to happen, she gets off the wall and starts to make her way back. _Paused. Go back there? After that exit?_ Faced with a new challenge, she finds it easier to just go back to the rooms and _wait_ for her. _Wait._ _Wait. After that how will you be able to accomplish this without creating attention to yourself?_ Annie froze. Feeling defeated. _Caged._ Balling her fists knowing that she had to be _delicate. Delicate. That word doesn't suit me at all._ Annie scoffed but for a moment she was impress how Mikasa manage to get her alone those few minutes earlier. _Earlier. Just earlier your life was so simple._ Annie thinks for a moment, instead of feeling sadness she's actually _grateful_ that someone was _kind_ to her. _Kindness? Is that what you think that was? Are you that naive to not know the difference? Isn't she cruel for doing this to you? For putting you into this position?_ Annie wanted to scream. She was beyond confuse and conflicted. She wanted whatever this is to be over with. _Fuck. Fuck. Fuck._ Being at her end rope here, _now I really want to scream._ Facing the sky and parting her lips with ball fist a familiar male figure appears suddenly. "Reiner?" she chokes the name out as her eyes widen knowing that once again she's being _exposed_ and pauses. "Did Bertholdt said something stupid again?" He asked concerned in her usual self coming closer to her. _Fuck me indeed. Anyone but Reiner._ "I don't need a _big brother."_ Annie stated and forgot for a moment that she truly wanted to scream, more than ever. Her comment made Reiner take a step back, knowing by now that he's in a landmine field and anything that will come out of his mouth will more than likely set _all of them off_.  


  
_When in doubt, agree!_ Reiner thought and quickly responded saying "Yeah Bertholdt is an idiot." Smiling nervously facing her. Annie's eyes widen, and quickly return to her seldom expression. Utterly unimpressed. She closed her eyes and did a mild head shake and began to walk away reminding Reiner once again how _useless_ he can be at times. "Don't worry about me, Reiner." She began and allow her body to do any answering about _how uninterested_ she is about Reiner's comments. _I don't know where I want to go but I honestly can't deal with this. One thing is certain I can't stay here caged in anymore._  



	4. Part Four

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Annie's POV, italics are inner thoughts and monologues.

  
With fast reflects, Reiner said, "I'll not trouble you, then, but I'd like to ask you something Annie."

Annie froze and turn around intrigued by the sudden formality that was rare coming from her peer. "Yes?" Even now, Annie could not help it: _You will respond promptly when addressed._ She hoped he didn't mistake her prompt reaction for anything but what it was—training—but at the same time, she didn't care. It didn't matter, anyway. He would do what he wished—what any of the guys wish, Annie had no control over anyone.  "Did you enjoy yourself?" He was not berating her. His tone was not condescending. He was honestly curious. And there was something more…a sort of sarcasm in his voice.It was almost too much for Annie to bear. She had been able to clear her mind and hold herself in check as she walked into the mess hall earlier, but now she felt that it was simply too much. _Did I enjoy myself, he asks. I felt like I was really…living. Wait. Does he know something?_ Annie really had to think for a minute what he meant, he couldn't possibly know what happen between her and Mikasa.Her heart began to sink and suddenly felt  _expose_ once again. Being exposed and being cage in was a thing of the norm this day. Annie wasn't happy about any of this. "What do you mean, Reiner?" She finally asked, a safer bet. Reiner remain quiet with a serious expression "Do you enjoy making us worry about you?" He finally stated. Landmine or not, Reiner wanted to risk it all to ask that very important _pivotal_ question.Inside, Annie was screaming.Relieved that for a moment, she wasn't that expose, that she wasn't that obvious. But yet again Reiner isn't the sharpest tool in the shed. Late in this point Annie didn't really care, she was _grateful_ it was something.. _stupid._ And even if it was harsh, she in fact wanted to scream for saying something so stupid. She didn't wish to belittle his _serious_ question, but Reiner failed to notice that Annie had bigger concerns to worry about. Gathering her composure once more she finally speaks "As flattering as it may seem to be on your everyday topic and mind I won't indulge you on saying something you may wish to hear, the fact remains that I never asked either of you to _babysit_ me." Reiner's eyes widen and started to speak only to have Annie cut him off looking more incredibly annoyed than before. "It's a shame and _hurtful_ that neither respect me enough to be on my own for at least one fucking day." It was rude, it was harsh, but it was accurate. And she would never apologize for being accurate. She starts to make her leave and while she would had wish that Reiner wasn't at the receiving end of all that, she didn't wish to be reminded of how _weak_ she can be to her peers that would let themselves believe that she needs to be babysat at all times.Reiner remain silent and let her leave the alleyway. Suddenly, Annie felt better. Whatever this new found independence feeling gave her was soon escaping as she notice Mikasa leave the mess hall alone. Her heart skipped as she stood in silence feeling a sensation overwhelmed her as Mikasa made her way towards her.  _Wait. Reiner._ She was reminded yet again that had to escape, she couldn't have Mikasa face her while Reiner is in the background still flabbergasted about her earlier statements. And while knowing full and well that he was still in that shock he may not even notice her, but there was something Annie must anticipate, not knowing what Mikasa may want or even do to _her_. Her mind racing with many thoughts, _feeling caged_ , she didn't wish to be exposed like this in front of anyone.Mikasa was stopped by Krista midway, and Annie was grateful that that bought her some time to think. _Unless.. Mikasa may leave._ Annie was faced with a new problem.  _What if she doesn't come here anymore? What if, what if I'm still waiting for what she'll do next? What if, what if anyone finds out._ Her thoughts hit a focus as she seems Krista smile at Mikasa, _exchanges words is no issue. But what words. Why did she smiled at her? Wait, Krista is always smiling. That's nothing new._ Reiner was no longer her concerned, her attention was elsewhere. It was solely on Mikasa, so focus on her that she fail to notice a group of men behind her that they nearly knock her over. Spook and shaken, one of the males apologizes and keep walking. blocking her view briefly. Feeling anxious she tries to maneuver around them and suddenly her heart sinks as she sees that she lost sight of Mikasa. _What was that? That couldn't had been more than 10 seconds?_ Annie thinks trying to rationalize just what was goingwith her eyes scanning all over, seeing Krista walked by wasn't any helped, Mikasa was _gone,_ and Annie wasn't going to do anything as mad as actually question her about her whereabouts. She didn't wanted to be known that she was looking for _her._ Feeling defeated, and damning her height once more, she gives up and starts walking back to the dorms. She was ready for the day to be over. Annie started to feel a throbbing pain in her head, she touched it and lower her eyes and tried her best to shake off the feeling, her mind was overworking more than usual, knowing that her emotions are getting the best of her. _I wished... Mikasa was talking to me instead of Krista._ Jealousy was something that Annie firmly believed she would never be bother with. Just as she makes the turn towards the longer path to the rooms, Annie gasps as she's jerk into a dark room with force. Quickly getting on  guard was proving to be difficult as she felt stronger hands take charge as they grab her wrists and pin them against the wall making Annie's back hit it with some force. Her eyes quickly widen recalling a similar situation earlier and quickly confirms the identity of the person as she blurts out the red scarfs girl name.


	5. Part Five

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I want you guys to be aware how emotionally draining it is to write about this two. I love them to pieces but it's such a mindfuck that I don't think you guys notice. Chances are you will in this fic. I also want you to know that this became really long that I actually had to cut it and save the rest for P6. Anyways, I feel like I do my best work when I do it from a POV of a character because it allows me to be more descriptive and detail; and I find Annie to be that particular character because not much is known about her. That doesn't mean that I won't ever bother doing Mikasa, because like Annie I find them both to be one in the same. They are both very complex characters that in all honesty you can enjoy just reading from their POVs, at least to me that is. One day I think I will. I'll be sure to make a note of it. Also there is a paragraph of Annie's inner monolog somewhere that I actually tone down a lot, due to the graphic nature. So if you find that bad, the original one was worst. I also want to point out that recently I been working on COLLARBONE and my writing style tends to change so you may see some of it here. I'm always experimenting, so don't expect any Parts to ever be the same in any of my fictions. If you are familiar with my works, italics sentences are still inner thoughts.

"Mikasa"  Annie said. Her eyes quickly adjusting to the darkness and her new found position. _Similar position nonetheless._ Only difference was that Annie wasn't very much thrown off guard. And she wasn't fully _against_ it. In fact it actually surprise her how quickly she adapted to it. Mikasa had remain silent still pinning Annie down, not even easing up on the strength she had place against her wrists. It was as if she were to do that and Annie could escape. _What a frightening idea that was, a lone wolf out in the wild that needed to be capture._ And while Annie tried her best to remain _calm_ it was beyond nerve wrecking. It had become so unbearable that she honestly wanted to scream. _Mikasa probably won't say much, and I for the life of me can't seem to ask the right thing. But when did questions themselves became so problematic to even ask?_ _Especially when it's something obvious._  
   
 _You shouldn't ask stupid questions.._ Annie reminded herself briefly trying to narrow down what was worth asking. It was clear that neither of them were big on words that she came to the ultimate conclusion that whatever was going to happen wasn't going to be fix by _them_. They were both a little too smart for their own good. And they both have more or less have a similar idea of what was happening around them. _One of the many things we have in common._  
   
 _Frustration_. It was written all over Mikasa's face, the answer behind her strength and actions. Annie felt a little better inside as she realize that she wasn't the only one having difficulties these past few hours. _Another thing in common._  
   
Annie closes her eyes, starts to relax her shoulder blades and lets them fall, her muscles loosen, and her feet firmly on the ground, feeling her body become defenseless feeling gravity take her entirely as a whole. Feeling suddenly heavy she inhales softly and opens her eyes looking back at Mikasa who was very much still staring at her with full interest.  
   
"What will you do to me?" Annie whispers softly staring at her. _It wasn't a stupid question._  
   
This startles Mikasa upon hearing it that she actually takes a step back and then forward once more trying her best to gather herself. _Frustration and confusion_.  _Well that's never a good mix_. Annie ponders as she studies her expression knowing that she may have set herself on one of her own personal landmines.  _It still isn't a stupid question. I honestly need to know._ Mikasa can't determine if Annie just identified her as a sexual predator base those words. It was a  _frightening_ idea to have, that the one person you like may think so little of you to the point of dropping you to such level. Mikasa didn't realize how much those words actually  _hurt_ her. But she was quickly aware that she was to blame; she was the one who came at her _like this_. Something had to change. _This is no time to question the minor things_ , Annie wasn't going to be bother by _petty_ things like this, and she honestly wanted to know what Mikasa would do to her. _This time_. If she would finish what she had started. If she would-  
   
Annie had to pause her train of thought, _would I let her finish?_  
   
Annie's mind jumped someplace she didn't really want it going, this was suddenly a very troubling situation. _Vulnerability_ was something Annie was train to  _not_ have. For Mikasa to even consider _finishing_ Annie had to be completely defenseless- _you_   _stupid girl-you just let your guard down moments earlier. Have you forgotten?_ Annie's eyes jolted at this fact.  
   
But something else capture her attention, her wrists felt lighter, Mikasa was lifting her strength off them, her fingers started to fall off her slowly tracing down her forearms leaning forward closing their small gap and Annie capture a _hurtful_ expression on her eyes. If only, _if only_ she hadn't witness that expression-there would had been nothing to stop Annie from _escaping_ this situation. _What of your curiosity? Have you forgotten? Do you not want to see this through once and for all?_  Conflicted as ever, Annie remain stoic. Her inner thoughts were getting the best of her. Mikasa had let her guard down fully before her, mimicking her earlier moves. Annie wasn't sure what to make of this new found freedom, it was certainly not expected.  She never would had imagine Mikasa being that _expose_ to her. Mikasa leans closer and finally whispers into Annie's ear "I wanted to kiss you again." And presses her lips against her temple as her hands begin to cup Annie's face gently. "I wanted to hold you again." She adds in.  
   
Whatever error Mikasa had made was already done, and she couldn't go back on it. She couldn't apologize either. It was her honest truth, she did wanted to see her again. She did wanted to kiss her once more. And the moment Annie left the mess hall, it was the worst moment of all because there was nothing she could do about it. She was the cost of this. Maybe if she was nicer about asking Annie out into this dark room would had suffice. Maybe words was all she needed. _Maybe-just maybe._  
   
Annie had closed her eyes as she let those words sink in, and all of a sudden, it just wasn't fair. Her body began to shivered, she felt a pain across her chest. Her throat started to ache. Mikasa's lips felt hotter against her. Her vision became so blurry. Everything became so _awful_. Her body stated shaking and she felt tears come out so violently, slowly but surely, she was struggling just to stay up on her feet.  
   
 _Kindness_.  
   
Kindness was something she never expected. Not in this cruel World. And certainly not from the best in their class who she even considers a beast herself. Kindness was something that was offer to children from their parents, the love and support from dear ones just to make it through the day. Never to soldiers, never to any trainee in group 104. _This. This- This was just unbearable. It just wasn't fair._  
   
Annie was crying. Silently. She could deal with the brute force that Mikasa delivered time and time again, she can deal with the pinning and man handling, but _never_ kindness. Being aware of what was happening, Mikasa remains still in place and kisses her temple once more as she moves her thumb clearing off any tears Annie had shed breaking the flow.  Annie grips on to Mikasa's clothes trying her best to not fall as her leg begins to fidget. _I mustn't stumble. Not like this. Not now._ Quicklydetermine, Annie summons the strength to regather her footing to see this through. She refuses to bow down to her, to lose her entire existence in this one moment. _But it was just so_ _damn painful_. Everything just dawn on her, everything started to fall into place. Inside Annie was screaming.  
   
 _Why couldn’t you just fuck me? Rape me. Take me everytime you wanted in secret. Why do you have to be so nice?  Can’t you see? Can’t you see what you’re doing to me? You’re confusing me. You’re changing me. I AM the happiest with you, I must admit, but this is just too much. Why didn’t you take me as you pulled me into that door, why not like earlier in that vacant room? You kissed me against the floor, and I allow it, I wouldn’t mind if you had done that again, I really wouldn’t. But yet you go on and you do this. You make me want you, crave you, fight with my emotions, crave you more, disgrace myself, confuse myself. This is why we're here now, with me crying, with you concern, all because you gave me something no one else has. Kindness. You’re not touching me, you’re ALLOWING me to cry, you’re not using force, you’re not pinning me down, turning me over, claiming me, fucking me on the floor which I know you can, and I wouldn't have the strength to push you off, I probably wouldn’t have protested, scream for you to stop. I probably would had beg. Isn't that what you wanted? For me to beg earlier? Can’t you see that I’m CONFUSE, make the choice for me. Claim me without me telling you. Fuck me. Do it already.  WHY ARE YOU THIS CRUEL TO ME!?_

 

Annie closed her eyes sharply as she let out a soft cried letting the tears flow down her as her own voice echo nothing but truth, harsh truths. _Expose. That's what it was. And it's painful._ Annie entire existence finds it focus as rage fills inside her. It amazed Annie how anger and despair were so coincided to the point of it being a blur line.  
   
 _Frankly. I had enough._ Taking matters into her own hands, she steps forward and sticks her tongue out and licks her jawline. Mikasa's body quickly jolts at this new found sensation and takes a step back looking at Annie who was cleaning her tears off with her jacket looking at her with a small glare. _Dissatisfaction_ was written on her face. Without hesitation Annie pulls her hand outward and grabs Mikasa's scarf and yanks it towards her again forcing the brunette back into her;  _by all means necessary,_ she'll be damn if there is a gap between them now. A gasp is heard escaping Mikasa's lips as her body comes at Annie violently feeling partially choked from that pull that she quickly puts her own hands out to break her fall before crashing into her and Annie doesn't waste time lowering the scarf down enough to see more of her skin and runs her tongue once more against it up to her jawline at a swift speed tasting her skin.  
   
 _You're mine._  
   
To Annie, this was in her comfort zone. And she felt _entitle_ to Mikasa's body. That she is _allow_ to do this to her.  
   
Mikasa lets out another gasp and starts panting feeling her heart race at this sudden change of pace feeling heated inside. Annie starts to suck on her expose skin and Mikasa starts to feel dismantle. "Annie..." she whimpers feeling her cheeks fluster, her hands losing any strength they had left. Annie's heart starts racing, she refuses to cry anymore like this, _it's all so meaningless. That's what this is. Meaningless. Just two lonely people licking each other’s wounds. Just hoping to feel 'good' just for a moment._ Suddenly, Annie's focus is on Mikasa's scarf, it was getting in the way of anything she wanted to do. She starts to unravel it off knowing she could do a much better job than Mikasa was led to believe in. _Without this. Without holding back-_  
   
With reflexes like a beast, Mikasa summons all her strength back and brings Annie to a full stop. "No!" She shouts. Annie blinks once more trying to make sense of what was happening with her heart racing. She had to assess what was going on. Mikasa lets her go and takes a step back fixing her scarf. "Just don't." She said looking concern back at her and it finally hit Annie just what was the problem. The cause of all of this. Annie wasn't being rejected, her former action was. This floor her.  
   
"You're such an asshole." Annie stated boldly as she balls her fists standing on her ground. She glare, she was partially hurt, partially angry and she'll be damn if Mikasa was hurt by it. "Go back to Eren!" She shouted. It pained her to actually say it. A part of her wanted to laugh at the beautiful irony of this. The main reason why this would never work to begin with. It was always with her. She wasn't going to compete for it. She _simply had enough_ of this nonsense and started to make her way out. It wasn't fair that she had to be the receiving end, the one to be always dominated, _it was just so painfully sad._ Fighting back her tears, Annie couldn't really decide if they were tears of frustration, of how ironic this all was, or just because she was in pain. It all felt the same to her.  _It hurts._ She quickly changed her footing and begins to aim for the door.

 

"Don't ever say something so cruel!" Mikasa shouts as she makes a grab for Annie's jacket determine to not have her leave. Annie wasn't sure what her outburst was focusing on but right now, she wasn't sure what she'd have to say to that. But she was certain of one thing: _I had enough_. "Don't touch me!" Annie cries out as she yanks her arm out of Mikasa's reach feeling disgust take over her. "I don't want none of it." It was Mikasa's turn to be confused. She was hurt. Badly. She had familiarize herself whenever Eren would reject her, and she didn't lose sleep over it, she had grown accustomed to it. But not this. This was _worst_. _Far worst._ And she knew that if she let her be, Mikasa wouldn't sleep for months. Her heart started to ache.  
   
There. There it was; that very same expression that Annie had moments earlier. Had Mikasa paid closed attention she would had seen how much agony she had put her through that maybe she would had _done something differently had she known_. How everything disperse into tears. _Another thing we now share. It's your turn to feel it. I promise you won't like it._


	6. Part Six

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have no comment. I am like devastated. Oh my poor babies, I don't know why I make them suffer so much. 'FORCED' is like the most devastating fan-fiction I ever written. It's incredibly challenging because I invest so much in these emotions. I really put myself in their places. The title is so fitting at this point because I'm literally forcing myself to just type it. But I'm also so fascinated by it. Like 'wow, is this really happening?' I know it makes no sense considering that I'm the writer, and I can make up anything I want, but to me it needs to make sense. I need to have justification for why that is, not because I feel like it. To me, this is how the characters would realistically react if they were faced under those situations base on their current personalities. Not exactly making them up just to fit whatever I want. Anyways, that's just my intake. Thanks to those that still read my drivel nonsense, and all the comments any of my stories may get. You guys make me want to keep continuing them.

_It's your turn to feel it. I promise you won't like it._  
   
On cue, Mikasa's resolve was finding its way to her eyes as she started to shed tears out. Her vision was now blurry.  She couldn't see Annie very well, but she felt that Annie _hated_ her. No. That was an understatement. She believes it. Annie's angry expression soften at this not expecting it. It very much pained her to see her like this but she wasn't going to falter at her display of emotion. She couldn't afford to. My _world is my enemy, what makes you so different?_ Determine to not budge with her fists still shaking from before, she was trying her best to gain control of herself once more. Her eyes quickly averted their entire attention to Mikasa who was starting to hold on to her scarf. _Her livelihood._  
   
Something went off on her head that she couldn't make sense of it as much as she tries. Her entire body enrage with sudden anger she charges forward pushing Mikasa hard on the floor topping her as she shouts "He's not here to safe you! Stand on your own two feet you coward!" Her eyes watered, entire vision impair she was crying her heart out as she let them hit Mikasa's face like silver bullets who was now also in tears. Annie couldn't pinpoint the reasons why, but it never cross her mind that Mikasa was _sorry_ about everything. She couldn't see it in her eyes even if she wanted to. All she needed to know was that she was _there_ , taking everything Annie gave her.  
   
 _All of these, is painful. Painful, agonizing familiarity._  
   
Annie grabs Mikasa's shirt, digging her fingers in and she'll be damn if that's the last things she'll say to her. Damn be her blurry vision, damn be her tears overflowing, damn if she was sorry, damn if Mikasa's in tears. "You expect me to give myself fully to you but you won't to me? How dare you?!" She cries out looking at her with the most painful expression Mikasa has ever seen. Each and every word were piercing through her skin, forcing themselves into her unwillingly. She knew Annie was right about every single one of them. She was guilty on all charges. Mikasa was cover in guilt, and for a moment felt that she wasn't even good enough to have Annie crying over her. She simply wanted to die.  
   
Annie hits the pavement with her ball fists and cries out "You had no right to force yourself that way to me!" Pain is quickly shoot up through her hands, and feels it intensify on her wrists forcing her to close her eyes sharply feeling pain take over her.  _FUCK._ She wasn't thinking at all. With her heart expose on her sleeve, about to burst from her chest, consume with anger, pain and disappointment, she straightens herself up sitting on top of her and runs her hand across her eyes having her sleeves clean any of her tears regaining her vision back.  
   
Annie's panting softly, her heart still racing trying to let air back into her lungs and pulls her head back adverting her eyes to the ceiling in utter silence trying to gather herself from the headache she was now getting. Her head was spinning. It was pulsating. Nothing seem to be in focus. Her eyes swift to the side and notices that the entire room has becomes more visible. The air is damper. She can breathe some of the dust in her nostrils, she can even taste the wet puddle on the floor that was nearby. Everything look brighter. She can see clearly everything around her. Feeling bias about the choice of location, not forming any real opinion about why Mikasa had picked this room, besides the fact that it was empty, she closes her eyes for a moment allowing herself to calm her sudden heart rate inhaling deeply. Her body started to tune in at the silent echoes of her shouts from earlier. They were very loud to her. Her ears where pulsating that her words were now lingering within her. The fact that it _was_ a dark room with no light coming in eluded her. It just looks brighter to her.  
   
 _That's how you know you been here long enough. Everything eventually makes sense then. Eventually. Everything does. Will this too?_  
   
Silence. That was all she needed right now. Time to think. Annie’s mind venture to a place it never had before. Not since _then_ , and a part of her _desperately_ wanted to be happy.  To be at ease. To not be bother with anything at all. To be free. Annie had allow herself to go numb, she could sense the pulsating fingers that were still in pain from that hit she made, only she could no longer feel it.  She started to feel something  _lift_ off her chest, something she didn't had earlier. It was no longer tight. It wasn't aching as bad.  _Relief. Perhaps. No._ _Resolved._ Annie begins to really wonder what her life has become. Where it was going. What led her here in the first place? What could make her happy?  
   
 _Mikasa_. Her eyes jolted open and she was back staring at the ceiling; she had honestly forgotten about her for a moment. And for a moment, she was grateful that Mikasa allowed her to be the way she needed to. She was grateful that she didn't speak. _For once._ Grateful that nothing broke the silence in that cold dusty room. Annie couldn't had dealt with any interruptions, she honestly wouldn't know what she would had said or done if Mikasa had utter nothing more than a word. She honestly couldn't.  
   
   
Mikasa was a fright. Nervous. And full of confusion laying perfectly still. Her heart hadn't stop racing. She couldn't speak even if she wanted to. Not after that display Annie gave her. _She had no right._ Mikasa’s tears had faded but the pain was agonizingly present. Annie saw it all over her face.  
   
Silence. Once more.  
   
Mikasa's heart skips a beat as Annie unexpectedly leans down to kiss her in a swift movement. There was no pause. No hesitation behind her actions. Mikasa was beyond confuse. It actually frighten her. Annie repeats this twice before deciding to slide her tongue in as if testing the waters before going in fully.  She merges herself completely into her for a moment, as if the prior events _never_ happened. Mikasa was conflicted. But she wasn't going to stop her from doing what she _wanted_. Mikasa could only responded back to it as cautiously as possible.  
   
Annie shifts her head to the left still with her lips sealed against the brunettes, getting a better position for it, she muffles a soft whimper of pleasure. She finally comes to a stop deciding that she got her _fill_ , she retrieves once more hovering her lips above Mikasa's and whispers "Don't ever speak again." Mikasa widens her eyes as she hears this watching Annie pull back finally getting off her with a straight expression. There was no remorse in her eyes, she could see that she finally made up her mind as she made her way to the door. She had little to no idea that Annie was still very much in a daze. That her head was pulsating as she said those words. Most importantly, that she was still numb.   
   
It didn't matter; inside, Mikasa was broken.  
   
As Annie lets the door close behind her, she has little to no idea, that she's walking out with Mikasa's voice.


	7. Part Seven

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This entire 'part' is from Mikasa's POV. GASP. I will not sit here and assume that I know what these characters are capable of, and that I know them inside and out, because I don't. I doubt anyone really does considering so little is shown about them. All of this is best guess if anything, and my realistic point of view on how they can actually be if they were undergoing these situations. But I will say that I do understand what they are going through because I have been a victim of it in the past. However, I will not state which parts. I also mention before that I'm finally starting to shed light on the subject that I had planned on writing about but fail to do so because I ended up typing so many pages. I can't just get into the subject, it needs to have a proper buildup of justification for it. Much like P5 and P6, it's really twists my insides to write such things about them. Getting into that mind-frame is difficult. It's not an easy walk in the park for me. And I will admit that I even upset me halfway that I honestly had to stop several times much like before. But I do it because I'm an idiot. A determine idiot for no reason. Okay, so maybe I'm just fascinated about the turn of events that I'm curious to see how far I can go with it. Like, seriously who would had thought...

Mikasa's body starts to shiver, she is getting cold just by laying there on the floor staring at the ceiling like Annie was earlier. Wondering  _just what_ she could had been staring at.  _Answers perhaps_. She didn't bother to get up.  _Not yet._ She honestly believes she very much needs to be there, on the floor, on the dirt, because she honestly feels like it; _dirt_. Mikasa must have honestly given that ceiling her entire attention for a good 5 minutes, and she was nowhere near any answers. The crack on it wasn't helping matters. It was just a reminder of how she feels inside. _Broken._ Her chest was aching.  She closes her eyes for a moment and allows herself to be consume by sadness. The emptiness of it all.

 

 _You'll catch a cold._ Eren would say. If only if it wasn't for that _tone_ he'd use, she would honestly let those words bounce off her. _The type of tone that seem irritated to be taking care of you, that you should know better._ The tone that was spiteful with concern masked behind it. Because Mikasa knew that if she were to get sick, Carla wouldn't forgive Eren; and that was the source of his tone, she was his _bother_ person. Like Annie was now hers.

 

_If only it didn't hurt me so._

 

And she even wondered once deeply if he would be happier with her  _gone_. Life just seem to lose all its meaning.  _Would Annie be happier if I was just gone?_ Once more, her heartache worsen. She shakes her head at that _—_ quickly _—_ it is just  _too sad_ of a thought.  It's as dire as the situation outside. _Bleak._ She just honestly doesn't care about anything at this point. And she wouldn't mind if a Titan attacks right now—and it wasn't because she wants to die, but because that was something she can _handle._ That is something she is naturally good at. And she knows she will be needed then. But the only thing Mikasa really wants right now was for Annie to  _need_ her. To _want_ her just as badly as her heart wants her.

 

Annie's body heat vanishes. She is no longer here. Her scent even faded and Mikasa can no longer smell it. On cue, she licks her lips slowly. _Just what am I doing?_ Mikasa knows what she is doing, but it didn't change the fact that she would asked herself that. It is her last desperate attempt to capture anything _left_ of the blond girl that was with her moments earlier. Her eyes jolted not expecting to still be able to taste her.

 

The last bit surprised her, she is not expecting to find anything but is very much hopeful that she would _—no I needed to find trace of her still—needed like an old man needs a second chance of life on his death bed._ _Just needed._ She quickly makes another face as she fails to realize how this has affect her.  _Fuck._ Devastation overwhelms her. _God, I really am stupid._ _Why would I do that to myself?_   Her body shiver _—_ it is kind enough to snap her mind into focus by sending her another reminder. Using her elbows she rises up and finally turns on her side and rubs her eyes with her free hand.

 

Gravity is not her friend. She feels _heavy_ and pauses as she looks down on the ground.

 

 _'Don't ever say something so cruel!_ ' was the last thing Mikasa said to Annie. It is now echoing in her ears. _Irony_. _At its finest._ Because that's what it was. Mikasa couldn't say anything. 'Don't ever speak again', those words cross her mind and she made it her top priority to not _forget_ it, remembering it allows her to recollect the bittersweet memories of Annie's soft lips had placed on her moments ago, she had been confused by it all, but grateful nonetheless; _s_ he can still feel them. _That was Annie’s kindness. Perhaps._ Mikasa just _needed_ to believe that she can even if she didn't anymore.

 

 _Delusional_. _Also at its finest._

 

' _Don't ever speak again.'_ Once more it echo in her mind as she stands up. Once more Mikasa reminds herself of how broken she feels inside. There is not enough ropes in the entire area to tie her back up. She's badly hurt. Still under the impression that Annie _must_ really hate her to be that cruel to her. _Mean perhaps._

 

_But I deserved it. I'm certain. But why did she kissed me like that? To torture me long enough to be reminded of what I can't have? Or was it so she can just whisper those words to me? No. If she wanted to, she could had just whisper it without kissing me—or maybe—_

 

Mikasa has to seriously stop. In the most literal sense as her feet stop moving forward. The only thing she is accomplishing is a massive headache and her heart was racing rapidly as a result.

 

 _——maybe she really likes me._ These bittersweet words suddenly coming from within and Mikasa allows herself to think that foolish thought just for a second _—_ a small second of a whisper inside her head letting herself be so _hopeful_ that it builds inside so fast that it burst into her eyes rendering herself to tears. Mikasa is at a loss. Her legs are shaking and she starts rubbing her eyes frantically confuse as can be crying once more, but she is certain of one thing _——_ just how much she deeply hates this.

 

It has taken her a good 10 minutes to gather herself to a presentable state to finally exit the room. She knows her eyes are red. She has to make sure to leave no traces of any more tears down her cheeks, and is grateful that the sun was setting so no one could notice anything really off her. _Not like anyone would ask._ Mikasa isn't the most approachable person in the league. She is under the impression that many are intimidated by her to _just_ walk up to her for a quick chat.

 

 _Chat?_ Mikasa finds that hilarious. She was never a good conversationalist to ever be up for a _chat_. _Words aren't my thing._ And she is reminded that that was perhaps what got her into this predicament in the first place. _Maybe if I had said how much I like her, maybe then it wouldn't had been so awful. Right?_ Mikasa finds that she had no acceptable answer to that. Her chest is still aching, and she knows that she was best to adapt to it, because it wasn't going to leave her side anytime soon. _This is how you'll learn your lessons. This is how you'll become an adult and stop being so foolish. You can't do 'adult' things and render yourself a child and cry when it doesn't go your way._

 

Mikasa things angrily at herself. Interestingly enough, she feels like she is playing the older sister role to herself. _Words of wisdom_. Words she probably could have save for Eren if he needed them.  _But I need them._ What Mikasa understands from her inner monologue, is that she has to do something.  _Anything_. It doesn't matter if it is the wrong thing, cause right now she honestly has no clue on what that entitles, she just needs to get a reaction from Annie. Anything to let her know that she is still _here_. 

 

 _Searching for you._ But that something is out of her reach, she starts to feel uncomfortable, and it's starting to nerve her as she realizes that making her way back to the dorms is actually taking forever. _This can't be normal._ She finally comes to that conclusion as she starts to see the effects it's having on her; she still can't decide if thinking about Annie is the cause of it. She picks up the pace and allows herself to ignore anyone around her _——_ not wishing to be stop. She really can't put her finger on it, and now her temperature was rising from within. There are 2 trainees that notice that something is wrong, and Mikasa ignores their whispers on that matter. _It's none of their business!_ Mikasa's pace quickens. She feels her body start pulsating. She really can't figure out why. She knows that she ate something earlier. _But that can't be it._

 

Still with no answers, not even close, her condition takes a turn for the worst. And the last thing she wants is to do is draw attention to herself that getting to a secluded area is a _most_. At this point running to make her way into a smaller empty path between two buildings nearby just getting out of view. Her footing quickly becoming rash as she comes to a sudden stop feeling dizzy all over. Panting at this point, trying her best to find a resolve for this. Still, it's not any better and she knows something is seriously wrong. Inside she feels a burning sensation, and it's making it way upwards to her entire body _——_ gradually intensifying it around her neck.

 

And for a minute she wants to scream out his name, so he can come and _safe_ her. That maybe he'll know what to do. Suddenly Mikasa is enrage with such anger inside recollecting earlier events that made Annie snap. _She's now snapping._ She starts to hate herself, this was the lowest of the low. _This is not the time to be thinking such stupid childish things! Am I being punish for being stupid? Is this my crime for falling in love?_

 

Mikasa starts panicking more than ever as her eyes fill up with tears and believes that she's going to die. Just flat out collapse on the floor leaving  a lifeless body behind. Right now. Away from it all. Away from anyone that matters to her. Her heart starts beating furiously as she starts burning inside. Her throat starts aching, she's starts gasping for air, she feels completely out of control, and suddenly a cold sweat covers her, her chest pounding louder and louder. Pulsating in her ears. Her hands begin shaking as they struggle to remove her scarf completely. _How many layers? How many? Just how many?!_ Her mind is panicking, she can barely focus on a simple task. Out of frustration she violently rips it apart yanking it off her neck letting out a cry. 

 

She quickly collapses on the floor hitting it with her knees as she's struggling to gasp for air feeling an incredible cold sweat consume her. She was hunch over, her entire body was shaking, both hands on the ground gripping on to her scarf. Never in her life did Mikasa ever believed for one minute that her heart will harden at the sight of her scarf. For the first time ever, she seriously felt like she was choking with it. _What in God graces was I thinking wrapping it around that many times!?_ She questions angrily as her neck throbs profusely.

 

Mikasa fails to realize that she has just experience a _severe_ panic attack. And it's something she isn't going to soon forget.  Her shaking body will be wise to remind her of that.

 

_You're ignorance led you to believe that you were about to die and you didn't wish to make him part of that experience——for him to not die with you. Had you wanted to you could had. So why did you removed the scarf Mikasa? Why did you?_

 

Mikasa turns her attention up to the sky inhaling as much air as possible sitting on her legs, failing to notice that she is very much doing what Annie has done before her. Only there is no ceiling. No cracks to remind you of _terrible present things_ , no limitations but the deep blue sky. And for a moment there, Mikasa's sadness reaches its peak.

 

 _Yes. Why did I?_ She questions softly to herself.

 

Nothing in her life is making any sense. Eren is a subject she can always make sense of, and the fact that she has no acceptable answer for that is extremely troubling to the point that her entire focus is now shifted.  Her mind is seriously somewhere it has never venture before, and as much as she doesn't wish it to linger there above all places, _it must_ in order to move on. _To find answers._

 

 _If you can't even answer the basic things, what can you say about your life? How can you define that anymore?_ Her void inside is just getting depressingly bigger.

 

_How can I expect to understand Annie, if I can't even understand myself? Yet I demand something that I don't even fully comprehend._

 

'You expect me to give myself fully to you but you won't to me?' _That is what she said. Crying nonetheless. But she said it. Annie was ready to give me her all. No——allowing me——to take it all. And I go and do something so stupid out of sheer vanity to be protected. I can't even give Annie anything since I don't understand it. I really am a coward._

 

  
Mikasa smiles softly still staring at the sky, allowing all of her mistakes overwhelm her. The error of her ways. Even if they make her heart ache, her throat swelling up in pain, she knows that _this is how you learn from your stupid mistakes. It's how you stop being a coward. You face them all and let them sink in._

 

Once again: _This is how you'll learn your lessons. This is how you'll become an adult and stop being so foolish. You can't do 'adult' things and render yourself a child and cry when it doesn't go your way. Because stupid girls get punish._


	8. Part Eight

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Still on-going with Mikasa's POV here and it’s a bit of clash with her inner thoughts as a result. Which was all very… complicated to do. Hope it doesn’t confuse all of the readers. And it's going to feature that annoying little subject that is inevitable to avoid. Mikasa has never shown any interest on her scarf in the series. The anime never bother to question it, and Mikasa was already an establish character that she was growing up with it and it naturally just stuck. Why question what seem natural? There was no romantic notion for it. And if you were to think that the flashbacks of when she got it to be consider that, you are greatly mistaken. The scarf is a symbolism of coming together as a family, Eren was letting her know that she was now his family. And I will admit that it was a very sweet gesture to do considering the prior events that lead to it, and that they're in fact children, my train of thought doesn't go beyond that. But just for fun, you do realize that Eren and Mikasa just killed people together right? Apparently that went out the window the instant they came together to do this cute scene between children involving a scarf. Cause who cares, they just killed people less than an hour ago, it was self-defense damnit, it's romantic! (LOLWUT) I don't care. Don't try to justify this bullshit with me, the fact of the matter remains, and it wasn't that they killed people, it's the fact that no one gives a damn. It's easy to no care when they deserve it, right? So with that train of thought, I'm annulling and cutting the strings of that scarf because it makes no sense to me anymore. I’m only going by the Anime interpretation of it cause I could give two fucks about the Manga Ch 50. Spare me that bullshit.

Mikasa was staring at the sky and gradually sees it change it color to a darker shade. Signifying the night fall is upon her. She had been reluctant to move for the past 10 minutes. Her recent _experience_ was slowly easing off her body and her heart was no longer feeling like it was about to burst out of her chest. She knows that she is feeling more like her former self with each passing minute. Still upset about the whole ordeal, she must know that she can't stay here forever. _Stop this nonsense you stupid girl._ Making an attempt to try to feel better about her current situation, she realizes that she is not very good at it. _No good comes to those that sit here and cry._ She actually smiles at that one and finally starts standing up. Deciding that the latter inner message was a positive one.  _Factual nonetheless._

 

Finally on her feet Mikasa fails to notice the damage she has brought upon her scarf. She is aware of it, but it hasn't  _hit her_   _yet._ It's not so much the scarf that actually affects her, it's the fact that it’s now ruined, and she has no real explanation to why _if_ anyone where to question it. To her knowledge _it’s her scarf, not Erens_ , and she can do what she wants with it. _Even ruining it. Yet..._ She couldn't helped but be reminded of the past memories it held with it.  _Some bittersweet. Some colorful like a union as a family. Some... recently horrific._ Her expression harden as her mind ventures to a place it had been earlier.  _How many times? Just how many?_ Those words slowly echo on her mind replaying what she had just experience remembering just how _desperately_ she tried her best to remove it but her _failure_ was the final result of a ripped cloth. _A failure. That what this is._ Her grip now becoming tighter she can't tell if this is a representation of her troubles that she could define them as _failure_ , but if it were, she wasn't going to dismissed it. She purses her lips together, glaring at the scarf staring at it as if she were to deliver answers anytime soon.

 

 _You're ignorance led you to believe that you were about to die——my ignorance?_ She feels her chest pounding faster _——and you didn't wish to make him part of that experience——who would? It's a horrible experience!_ That last bit surprises her. She answers it like she actually knows what dying entitles. Realizing that she is wrong for making that accusation she takes it back knowing that it was a foolish thing to think about _——_ _had you wanted to you could had. So why did you removed the scarf Mikasa? Why did you?_ Her head is spinning. Trying its best to find answers but sees none befitting to redeem it. _Why did I? Did I suddenly had a change of heart?_ Just as quickly as those thoughts come she forces them to a stop. Her heart is still racing.

 

Silence.

 

Mikasa honestly never question what the scarf meant to her. If anything it is a horrible reminder of _that day_ , bonding of _family-ship must_ had been the reason why she kept it this long. _But what a horrific day. The losing of my own and creating anew._ _But I'm older now. Why must I have this around my neck? Why carry this——_ _dare I say it——weight around?_

 

 _How many times? Just how many?_ Again those words echo in her mind forcing themselves in uninvited. They are now mocking her. 

 

_——you stupid girl._

 

Mikasa glared at the scarf. She didn't hate it. Nor the person who gave it to her _——_ to keep her warm from the cold _——because that's all it was_. A sweet gesture. The type that once it carried out its mission you'd be sure to return it back to its rightful owner and thanked them. Only Eren didn't care about it. He really didn't see anything _beyond_ that. _A boy his age couldn't have been thinking of double meanings or even bother enough to scheme up such things as making you believe that once you wrap that article of clothing accessory around your neck meant you were his. No boy at that age is that cunning._ _Especially not Eren._

 

With each passing word making her heart ache. Mikasa squints her eyes feeling her vision get blurry and braces herself to stop them at all cost. The fact of the matter was still in front of her, _everything is one-side_. _You stupid girl——_

 

 _You're ignorance led you to believe——_ it’s now echoing. And the weight of it is getting heavy. She had ridiculously deluded herself to believing something that was never there. _It was comforting._ _But greatly mistaken._ And perhaps that was the reason why, because she believes that the world is cruel she wanted to desperately grab on to something _comforting_. Eren didn't owe her anything and neither did she. He had rescued her from an ill fate. _And for that one should be forever grateful——_ _not subconsciously in debt of ownership._

There it was. Mikasa's eyes widen, her chest was suddenly pounding inside, the wind was knock off her and her efforts of stopping her tears  _fail——another failure——_ as she realizes her dire mistake that cost her _happiness_ with Annie earlier.

 

Her throat starts to ache once more, now familiar with the sensation that it'll bring, she _welcomes it_. She forms a smile across her face thinking of the _bittersweet_ of it all. Allowing her inner thoughts to hit her as deep as possible, allowing the weight of the World sink in. She honestly wanted to laugh of the _lovely_ irony of it all. But she mustn't. _For stupid girls are punish——_ _and one cannot speak——thus disobeying a direct order._

 

 _Intimate order. Placed upon my lips nonetheless._ Mikasa had to smile at that as she looked ahead lowering the scarf before her.

 

 _Ownership and gratefulness are two different things. I really am a stupid girl. This is why I am punished—you're ignorance led you to believe—_ echoing again between her thoughts _—How could I let myself believe that I was in such a relationship in such fashion?_

 

Mikasa was floored. She never saw it as that. _Until now._ Her expression was priceless. Mikasa held an impressive reputation for always having her composure together. She was never on edge and never really off balance. She was a very _stoic_ trainee who always did as they were told with excellent marks on each end. To think that if anyone saw her now like _this_ it would be unprecedented. She was a far cry from her well known reputation at this state. She was grateful of the excluded location but she knew she couldn’t waste more time on it.

 

For once in almost 2 hours, she was starting to feel better. She was standing perfectly straight, her eyes are still red but they are no longer overflowing. She finally starts making her way back to the dorms no longer minding the distance like before, walking with the scarfs remains on her side having no real solution of what will become of _it_. It honestly wasn’t on her mind to have master up a plan. It wasn’t something she was going to leave behind, and it wasn’t because of what it used to _mean_ to her, it just wasn’t in Mikasa’s nature to leave any of her belongings behind. _In a time where anything can be destroy, you value anything you own._

 

_Even a ripped scarf._

Finally being back on the path of _people—civilization—_ her peace of mind was greatly interrupted by the commenter of a fellow trainee that just passed her.

 

“There goes her security blanket” he snickered beneath his voice to his friend who grin in response giving it a quick glance both _returning_ to minding their own business once more. She paused feeling completely off guard. _My what——_ her mind trailed off, she wasn’t in the mood to go up against them and put up a fight, if anything Mikasa was fond of not going up against anyone _—_ it wasn’t fear _—_ she honestly found it _stupid_ to sink down to their level to actually do anything about it. Mikasa was so confident in her skill that she never for once question her own insecurities. It never occur to her that _this_ was her _reputation_ , not like they knew it once belong to Eren, but they knew it was something she always had since she first joined the Squad, and very well grew up with it. _But secur——_ she stops in her tracks as she turns to face the path once more walking again ignoring them but _not_ their comment.

 

 

She couldn't even _think_ it without turning red. It was that embarrassing. _Security blanket._ She fluster right up. She was right, it was embarrassing enough to just think it. But _speak?_ No. She wouldn't dare speak. Annie's words echo in her once more.

_Eren. My step brother. No heirloom is going to change that. When did I ever needed a reminder of what I already had?_ The moment she realize this, the better she felt. _To grow is to change._ _To cry is too feel, to ache is to grow._ _When did I needed a stranger to remind me of that simple fact?_

 

She lets it roll of her shoulders feeling more decisive as she finally walks through the door and sees her other fellow trainees already in their respective beds. No one pays her no heed not even pausing their own conversations with one another. Base on her demeanor that is written on her face it was perhaps wise not to. Mikasa _seemed_ off, her eyes were lower and she was taking heavier steps than usual reaching her own bed. Not to mention she wasn’t sporting her usual scarf. Brutal training perhaps? _It wouldn’t be the first time a trainee came in wobbling in agony after a long day, Sasha made sure of that._

 

Mikasa was grateful if anything, she liked being ignored in most situations, this was one of them. She sits in her bed and her attention is quickly focus on the blond 3 beds over. _Annie_. Her heart starts aching at the sight of her. She was peacefully _resting_ in her bed, still dressed with just her shoes undone having her bedcovers partially on her. _Sloppy._ Mikasa starts to undo her own shoes at a much slower fashion than usual glancing up at her ever so often, trying her best to _not be obvious_ about it with her own eyes _. She isn’t going to escape stupid girl._ Mikasa made a face to that comment. Not pleased with the _tone_ of it, but it was _factual_ nonetheless, and she allowed it to sink in.

 

 _Her shoes came undone. Her clothes are intact. Did she just stumbled and crashed?_ She pursed her lips trying to analysis what was displayed before her. _Perhaps. She must had been tired…_

 

 _So closed. Yet so far._ Her heart is aching some and she’s finding it incredibly hard to not replay earlier events that were _intimate_ between the two. Her eyes glance across the room and sees that the others seem unfazed about her concerns, that no one notices anything at all. _Or they don’t care to——of course not, why would they? They weren’t with you in that room. They don’t know anything._ Mikasa removes her jacket and places it on the side next to her scarffeeling a tad relieve, and finally lays down pulling her covers over her body excluding her face from blocking her view. _Because this view is of great importance. This view must be study. This—what is wrong with me?_

_——Stupid girl. Stupid lustful girl._ She lets out a sigh feeling disappointed in herself for _thinking_ such things.

 

She blinked once. Twice. Annie was still sleeping. Mikasa feels her cheek flush up a bit, and receives some comfort in seeing her, seeing that she is okay. _Alive and kicking._ Even if she couldn’t touch her, it was _something_. _And something is always better than nothing._

 

Mikasa couldn’t tell if the relief of seeing Annie nearby was the reason to be at ease that relax her muscles to allow herself to sink into her own bed, but she was drastically feeling tire with each passing second. Completely disregarding that her earlier activities require a lot of energy to do. That she was basically drain at this point that she could no longer see Annie but a blurry shape as she’s swept under a deep slumber.


	9. Part Nine

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I will admit the fact that while I was enjoying how Mikasa came to that realization on her own in P8, (my baby is growing up) rereading it as a whole left me a bit confused. Because when you're stuck writing an entire part where a character can't speak and just goes on with their inner monologue with a condescending one too, shit is not always going to make sense. And if it did to you guys, bless you. I love you all. P6 and P7 still holds a special place in my heart, and maybe that's why rereading P8 felt weird, it wasn't that... horrible of an angst but on a more positive note. Which isn't a bad thing, but when you stop a lot as you write because it makes you teary eyed, it’s hard to not bond with that. Can't say anything about the future chapters because I'll know what happens as I type them. Never before. So it’s a surprise for me and you. Hopefully my writing won't bore you to death as you come to the ultimate conclusion that not much happens in all of those pages. And I quote "It’s like 'Let’s put Mikasa inside a room and that’s it. That’s the whole chapter! MAKE THAT INTERESTING!" And I like to believe that I have been able to keep it interesting. (Fuckingindenial) Be reminded that this is a deconstruction of the two. So most of my writing, which I'm sure you notice, is internal. It's what’s happening around them in their thoughts and how it affects them and their judgment. And I feel that if they can come to some sort of resolution you can move forward in the most literal sense. It feels like I had Mikasa in P7 stuck in the same spot from beginning to end. Like JFC, in terms of what happen, nothing really happen. She was having an internal struggle that needed to be solved, otherwise she would be stuck there forever and could not advance forward. Please notice that I am not dragging it on purpose, it really blows my mind how many pages can just go into that before anything actually happens. And it actually pisses me off a bit because I think about you guys a lot. Trust me, there is shit that I really want to cover, and I'm all like 'OMFG, WHEN CAN I GET THERE AT THIS RATE' ugh. I swear if you guys are still reading this I promise that when I do get there I will make it super awesome that you'll find all of these totally worth it. (Stillfuckingindenial)

It was morning, and the usual events of struggling out of bed from her peers were among her. Sounds of groaning and yawning in the progress easing Mikasa out of her deep slumber making her squint her eyes blinking a few times slowly waking up. She’s surprise at how well rested she feels.

 

 _Not even babies sleep this good_. Was all she could think of right now as she sees Sasha bolted out of the room ready for _breakfast_. _As expected_. Without getting out of bed she quickly glances at Annie’s bed.

 

Empty. An empty made bed.

 

She blinks at this not being aware of what that entitle. She blinks a few more times. _Still empty._ Mikasa jolts up from her bed sitting up firmly letting the situation sink in. _Annie is gone. She must had woken up earlier? Earlier than Sasha?_ Her eyes widen in disbelief.

 

Christa lets out a yawn as she stretches walking pass Mikasa’s bed. “Annie must had woken up earlier. I heard that she crash yesterday pretty early so it’s only natural.” She commented in her cheerful nature as she makes her way outside seeing Ymir in the distance waving at her. Mikasa wasn't sure what was happening, but she was grateful for that bit of information. _Any and all information about Annie is important._ _With everyone set out to start their day, Mikasa glances at her night stand and sees the red scarf._

 

The once _proud scarf_ of wrongful _representation_ as she sits straight up knowing that it’s her turn to get ready for another day. She knows that she needs to have some sort of resolution for it. Whatever it is, she can't seem to make up her mind about it. _It’s not like I will sew it back together._ Her intention wasn't to fix it, nor wear it again. _Not after that experience._ Feeling confuse she picks it up slowly bringing it up to her face once more giving it another close study. _It has serve its purpose. Didn't it? It did keep me warm during the winter. Wasn't that it?_

 

Her mind gradually starts to fully wake up as memories start rushing through her head. She honestly never bother to question these things. On the subject of its purpose _——to_ _scheme up such things as making you believe that once you wrap that article of clothing accessory around your neck meant you were his?_ Mikasa still has no answer and remains quiet as her expression hardens.

 

  _——and what was your purpose for doing that to Annie?_ On reflex she quickly stares at Annie’s empty bed once more. Her thoughts hit a sudden wall, knowing full and well that the question demanded her full attention forcing her eyes to fully open. _What a brutal way of waking up._   She didn't expect her mind to betray her like that to ask such a thing.  _Not this early. Never this early._ Her thoughts in agony. 

 

—— _you never fucked up this bad before._ She has no acceptable answer to that very pivotal question that was now defining her life. _So early in the bloody morning to answer—— correction—— won't answer._ Mikasa becomes adamant about that.  _Because admitting it will be too pitiful._ She sighs quickly making that input to herself running her hand through her hair pushing it back. Another vanity reflex _——_ that was a failure from the start _——_ considering that it'll always come to its original state. _What was the purpose of doing that to Annie?_ Her voice mocking her once more wasn't letting her be that asking was mandatory. Never mind finding a solution for her scarf her mind was demanding answers. She pauses again lowering her eyes starting to feel on edge. She purses her lips slightly trying to find a suitable _reply; not an answer._

 

 _It's not like she was against it——I——_ Mikasa trails off and tries to really justified it knowing she was guilty on all charges.   
   
Her heart picks up its pace, the feeling becoming so overwhelming that it comes crashing down inside Mikasa like a ton of heavy bricks feeling trapped. She is thinking of the answer, but it's something she won't say.  _Won't admit._ Right on the tip of her tongue, all the answers to everything, and she won't  _say it._ How maddening this must be. _Can't say it!——At least admit it!_ Her mind arguing with her once more shouting back.

 

_——stubborn stupid girl._

 

Mikasa is aware that just by _thinking_ it, she was _going to give it power. And this is something I don't want to admit._ Her stomach feels like it's in knots.  _How vain are you? Say it you stupid girl._

 

 _I wanted her to notice me!_ Mikasa screams it in her head feeling defeated hoping to shut it up once and for all. Scolding her own self for being that _pitiful_. _That vain._  
   
The realization was hitting her hard and she starts to breathe a bit faster. Her head spinning by the intel she has offer. She knew all along but never worded it in her mind making it official. Unlike Eren, Mikasa had _scheme up_ a plan to not have Annie forget her. _And what was that thing that you did, oh yes, you kissed her you made it clear that you wanted to be her first kiss. You made sure of that. But how could you had known it was her first?_ She pauses thinking about it for a second _failing_ to realize this. _Annie didn't fight that motion after I said it so it must had been._ She answers promptly to her thought finding it acceptable.  _Wishing to be acceptable because failure is not an option. No more failures!_ _Not this morning. Not this day._ Mikasa knows she is full of it. _So early in the morning. On this day._

 

 _Denial. At its finest._  
   
 _You're ignorance led you to believe——_ Her thought begins once more picking up from before on cue,  _that you are not the talented prodigy in the league among your peers knowing full and well that your skill excels above all others, that you already possess the attention of everyone around you including your trainers._ _You're ignorance led you to believe——_ the last bit now scolding her harshly _——that you were not notice at all?! ——you stupid g——NO!_ Mikasa fights back those words shouting at her inner voice. She knows it’s pitiful, she knows she is wrong, she knows it was a vanity moment wrapped around in pride. She knows all of her _many failures_ , but she isn't stupid. She may had done stupid things out of inexperience, but stupidity wasn’t her one of her traits.  
   
 _It's not the type of attention I wanted._ Mikasa proclaims feeling almost defeated and frankly frustrated. She bites her lower lip feeling _shame_ overwhelm her as she rises her knees up to her having her feet on her bed wrapping her arms around them. _Counterproductive from getting ready for the day._ She was captivate with Annie ever since she met her. There were many times that she came on par with her on skill. More than all the others and it was easy to see her fixation growing afterwards their first spar. Never in her imagination would she consider them to be of a romantic notion. That actually surpass her beyond words.   
   
She hasn't even gotten out of bed and she was already making herself miserable. _This is going to be a long day..._


	10. Part 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I really had an incredibly hard time getting back to FORCED, because I had just finished COLLARBONE P6, and clearly it's a complete 180. The transition from that fiction to this one was probably the reason why it took as long as it did to get this out. I really hate jumping between the two because it's insane——really fucking emotionally insane——but I did it anyway so you guys can be aware that I haven't forgotten about it. (Trust me. It's on my mind every day. I assure you, I can't forget!) It's also part of the reason why I was 'neglecting' COLLARBONE for such a long time and I kept posting FORCED. In order to get this chapter done I had to lock myself up in my room a few times and contemplate this to pieces——because I did put them in incredibly hard positions——I even questioned the merits of self-worth and entitlements of shame brought by guilt, just to see beyond that in hopes of doing justice to Annie's psychological conflict in this chapter. Which I find to be incredibly real and honest. Not to mention I'm also poking Mikasa's feelings and mental process in the BG that basically gave me an immense questioning moment that at this point have undertones of 'Social Psychology' to even 'Attribution'; which I'm starting to see is at the core of this Fiction. Because this is still an internal deconstruction of the two, and above all feeds off its hosts which are Mikasa and Annie. To put it in simple terms 'anything they do and feel, whatever the result is, that result makes another chapter', that's what keeps me going——that and I'm fucking curious myself——I really try to put myself in their shoes that I tend to go to such lengths in hopes of getting a better understanding to do a decent writing. I even went into an elaborate conversation my other psychological majors about what things mean in certain situations and what they could be interpreted under the wrong mindset, and the horrific results that came with it. Let's just say it blew my mind, at how clever this can be if done right. Which makes me really excited about FORCED’s future. I'm really hoping you guys get to see it later on. The real trick here is to put it into words for everyone to understand. And not just understand it, but relate to it and make it have meaning and focus on what I'm really trying to say. And this is basically where my frustration is at its core as the author of it. Someone once asked me 'what am I trying to say, what do you want out of it' and I wasn't sure how to answer that. It wasn't a stupid question. What I can honestly say is that I'm trying to do something different that I don't think many writers are focusing on. And that's the building blocks of any relationship, how we get there. Answering the whys. Out of the few fictions that I have read none focused whatsoever on their relationship, it's was just fan-service. And I have questions that aren't going to be answered by reading some of them, which is one of the reasons why I rarely venture outside my blog. And I think that's ultimately the reason why I'm writing this fan-fiction still. Because I still have questions. Once again my writing style shifted because of COLLARBONE, apparently it changes with each passing chapter of madness regardless of what fiction I'm working on, and none are ever the same. Hopefully it's for the best and it's more enjoyable. As usual, I feed off your comments.

Annie eyes bolt open gasping for air waking up rather violently than her usual calm demeanor.  _Bad dream?_  She's uncertain about it, but she won't allow herself to recollect any of it _——if any_ —— _because waking up only to try to recollect fragments out of your imagination; is truly the worst thing you could do so early in the morning since it's just a perfectly good waste of a time._ Annie has to seriously reconsider these words since they were parallel to her father’s. To her knowledge, her father didn't have time for  _petty_ things, and laying about thinking about your dreams is definitely one of them. She remains frozen in place staring at the ceiling knowing full and well that her body isn’t at the same speed as her brain is. It hasn’t recovered from her deep slumber. Annie makes mild attempts to adjust her eyes to the darkness around her, knowing she has woken up earlier than anticipated, and wasn't going to make much of an effort to seek any sunlight coming in anytime soon.

  
 _Sleeping isn't an option._ Annie knows that once she opens her eyes it'll cease to be. And the last thing she really wants is to _waste_ time on twisting about inside her covers _trying_  to fall back to sleep knowing that it was futile. _Trying your best to deceive oneself that you're tired is as wasteful as thinking about dreams. Two crimes in one hit must never happen at once. Especially when you know better, Annie._ She needed to remind herself of that.

 

 _I could just lay here, until then..._ Her mind trails off as the soft snores in the distance loom around the room, filling her ears as if it was a soft melody to  _sleep_   _again_. Only she doesn't mean to. Her eyes bolt open as she hears a loud snore capture her attention glancing to her side remaining in place still.

  
 _——or maybe not_. She quickly makes that input sighing inside as she sees that it was Sasha who made that  _disturbance_ and a part of her envy her because she appears to be in complete utter bliss under her covers,  _perhaps the only trainee that actually enjoys sleeping_. Annie never seriously wonders about that, she knew that people needed rest and that was it. Her mind didn't go beyond that. Whether people suffer or _enjoy_ was foreign to her. Sasha's presence serves as a reminder that some _things never change._ Her whereabouts made  _yesterday_ non-present for a moment.  _But that's child's play._ She makes a face to that and sits up finally, drowning all of the snores out of focus doing her usual routine of rubbing her eyes wide awake knowing that going back to sleep is  _futile. My mind won't let me_. _And I won't lie here listening to… this._

  
Annie had gone to bed with her clothes on, it had its perks, she didn't need to waste time getting dressed up. She didn't require _vision_ for this procedure that she has performed hundreds of times. She knew exactly how they felt at this point, where the strings were, where the buckles are placed. Everything. She fastens them on being discreet as possible and allows herself to fully emerge from her bed blinking a few times noticing that her eyesight was getting better. Just as quickly, acting on reflect, she obeys her sudden urge that has built up inside her and focuses her entire attention to Mikasa's bed. Her heart starts aching as everything comes rushing back to her about the ordeal she had put her through yesterday. She walks slowly over to her and Annie isn't sure what to make of the cold beauty resting peacefully before her. Much like her, she sees that Mikasa did a poor job removing any of her clothes.

 

But Annie isn't going to disrupt her sleep, she isn't going to make a scene, and she utterly refuses to let her win.

  
That much she is certain. Mikasa's ripped scarf catches her attention the most.  _A_ message? Her expression peculiar all of a sudden focusing closely on it. _I doubt he died. Is she trying to say something?_   She quickly dismisses those thoughts knowing they can lead anywhere aimlessly with no further Intel. The scarf ultimately isn’t really any of her concern, it was what it was, and now that was _ruined,_ any meaning behind that could only be her best guess. She was bothered by the way Mikasa had gripped on to it earlier, and she assumed that she was doing it because she felt _weak_ , that she lashed out on her for it. _Who would save you now?_ Annie wondered with her tone condescending, but masked with curiosity in her mind. She _is_ curious about that. Not that Mikasa needed any rescuing. She knew that if Mikasa had shoved her off, Annie wouldn't had been able to straddle her long enough to lash out the way she did. For that she was also grateful. It delivered a good night’s rest.  _I should thank you for that._ She purses her lips a bit dismissing her latter assumption of his untimely _death_ to be the reason why it's in shreds; for Mikasa looked very peaceful in her rest for anything vile to have happen to him. He was her family, and Mikasa wouldn't be able to sleep if it that was the case.  _But it isn't. He is very much alive, very much in your life._

  
She trails off feeling _discomfort_ by just thinking of that _actual fact_ and surrenders her stare to Mikasa, looking peacefully at her in utter silence allowing her chest to hum softly to the sounds of _sleep_ around her. _No one knows. No one knows what we did. Not a single soul in this room. All resting peacefully minding their business, sleeping away, wasting time chasing their dreams._

Annie scoffs at her inner monologue, _that’s more sinful than what I was going to do_ , she makes that input as her eyes trace Mikasa's delicate features.

—— _was going to._ It starts echoing in her mind, knowing full and well that Mikasa prevented that from happening.

_If only she’d let me._

_If only._

 

A part of her starts to feel this rush because of the _secrecy_ of it all, that they were in fact inches away from actually sleeping with one another, that's not even themselves could have guessed it. It was a little bit overwhelming for her. _If only_ ——She swallows hard as she pushes her bangs back looking frustrated _and_ confuse once more feeling herself get flustered.

  
Annie peers into her _secret_ , which took a manifestation in the form of Mikasa, passing her memories and secret life for everyone to see. Even her own secret didn’t know about her _other_ secret.

Tsk.

She bites her lower lips knowing that she’s been troubled more than expected.

Staring at her, that’s what this is. _Staring at my secrets, watching sleep away. If only it was that simple. If only they were this quiet._

Mikasa’s soft snore was the loudest secret she ever shared with her in this very room. Among all of these sleeping bodies full of life, not being aware of anything at all, not having recent collective memories of anything that happen before, _if only if they knew_ —— _would I be judged?_ Her heart race quicken. Shame was something she never considered as a possibility of her recent actions. She had other things in mind that she couldn’t back down on it anymore as much as she wanted.

Little by little, it was creeping up behind her back, up to her neck, sending shivers all over, and the reality of it all making her heart race at full speed. What this was really becoming as her feelings start intensifying as images of her advances start flashing across her mind feeling a mild daze. _It was shame. And desire_. The joy she felt to be near her once more. And she couldn't allow herself to _enjoy_ it.

 _Am I not allow to?_ She questions softly feeling sorrow fill her insides little by little knowing the answer to it already.  She swallows hard. 

_What should've been my greatest joy, has become my greatest shame._

—— _Shame_. There it was. Annie wasn't shameful for what could had happen between them, she was shameful because she believed she could allowed herself to _feel joy_. She felt shame to think that she could be an _exception_ to her crimes and be _happy_ about it. _It's shameful to think about when you don't deserve it._  

This is what it was at her core. Her reality echoing in her head. Her vision becomes blurry knowing that she is staring at someone who gave her _hope_. _Misguided feelings._ Someone that has shown her genuine affection of _kindness_. _Her ignorance, of not knowing the real me._ She knows that's what it was. For Mikasa would never accept someone like her.  _Wasn't she just looking for some meaningless tryst?_ Annie wasn't certain, she had assumed she was the second time she grabbed her. But it was now so painful to think about.  She bites down hard on any tears making their way out, feeling her legs fidget, her throat aching as she balls her fist trying to regain her former composure.  _The last thing you need is to be make a scene, wake someone up, and have them question you why you're here, standing next to Mikasa's bed, crying above all else so early in the morning, and you'd have to lie your way out of it to regain some of your dignity back._  

 _What a wretched hassle_. And it is. She quickly cleans out her eyes and sees that her thoughts are _searching_ for something still. Unable to pinpoint her finger on it, one comes crashing at full speed. _'Annie'._ Her eyes bolt open and takes a step back feeling her entire body shiver _. Someone's calling me?_ She glances to her side hoping that she wasn't expose to this.

 

_Annie._

  
There it was again. It sounded so clear in her mind that she could swear that Mikasa is calling out to her. She stares back at her once more and sees that it can't be. Mikasa was still peacefully resting before her.

 

 _Annie._ She lets out a small gasp as she the realization of it all comes crashing down to her. It was the sound of Mikasa whimpering out her name that was ringing in her ears. No one was calling her. A reaction that slipped out of her mouth earlier. _Why this thought? Why now?_ She parts her lips and lets her hand free fall to her side feeling her heart speed up at an alarming speed. _Goddamnit._

 

She wasn't expecting to be reminded of something like that so early in the morning. She feels herself coming unresolved, her mind being ravel by impure thoughts, suddenly the noises around her became louder, closed eyes becoming open, feeling as if everyone is staring at her secret, at her _desires_ , letting her know that _they_ know everything. Her private secrets and thoughts exposed out in the open for all of these sleeping bodies to observe.

 

She parts her lips as she exhales feeling cage much like before, seeing images swirl around her head, and a step back. Then another slowly as she starts to ball her fist trying her best to gather herself.

 

—— _Annie._

 

Completely shaken by that thought piercing her mind, she quickly bolts out of the room. She knew that she had shown Mikasa affection, long enough to have her whimper out her name.

For that, she felt _shame_.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Final Note: I'm going to add this for now on in all of my future fictions, because I want to make a few inputs about what you just read for better clarification. Especially with the way I ended this chapter. I normally would make a post about it later on, but if you're not following me, you'd never know. So to make it less troublesome, I'm going to do it here. I like to think I do a pretty decent job at not spoiling anything specific in my 'intros' or 'notes', which I always type up at the end of each chapter. What I want to discuss is actually that final sentence. The way Annie feels about shame isn't exactly what many are thinking it means in this context. Nor the way that I'm using it. It's the most peculiar thing that I really find fascinating when I actually wrote it. Basically, she likes the fact that she got a response by her, in such intimate fashion; that it brings her joy. And because it brings her joy, she feels shame about it. Yeah, wrap your head around that for a minute. I did explained it earlier as you read along that it makes a little sense now. As much as I would love to discuss this from my point of view, I'm going to spare you the immense wall of text of why I did things in such fashion. I just hope it makes sense to you all. Because it does to me. Greatly for some reason. Thanks for reading.


	11. Part 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You ever fucked up really bad? There are times where we do the most damage to those we love the most. Not intentionally, sometimes things are out of our control. And we’re always reminded of our faults and imperfections in the process of self-recovery. Our guilt becomes this burden that nothing will ease the pain besides the forgiveness of the person you devastated. You become so deluded that this is the only way to achieve happiness, if you so deserve it. The bigger the sin, the more guilt you feel inside that it affects you the greatest. It consumes your thoughts, your entire existence. Nothing around you matters besides the person you want to make it right to. And you would do anything for their forgiveness. Because you were misunderstood, and nothing is scarier than being misrepresented by the one person you hold dear. This was supposed to be P10, but I wanted to share Annie’s perspective at first in a mere summary, that when I went back to fix it, it basically consumed the entire chapter. I will admit that it wasn’t what I was expecting nor what I had in mind originally, but I’m very glad that I did write her version first; because I was introduced to something staggering. Something fucking amazing (at least to me) the thought of Annie feeling shame in that aspect was mesmerizing to write about. I couldn’t believed how I came up with that conclusion. We’re now back to Mikasa’s POV, and we’re more or less picking off from P9. Brace yourselves. It’s fun to read.

Mikasa frankly had enough of passing her thoughts back and forth, creating conflict among themselves. Toppling over one another. Her heart and mind were doing a _dance_ , she knows that if she’d only permit it any longer; she’d be forever bed ridden. Her remorse proves to be impossible to lift until a staggering 10 minutes pass by. Most of her free will was used to get ready. _Didn’t want to. Needed to._ She makes the common procedure of getting ready, and quickly stops as she realizes the _lack_ of a fabric around her neck. She touched her skin softly and felt the warmth of it _——_ being reminded that she also has a neck _——_ reminding herself that she was still alive and breathing. She minimizes the horrific flashback she experienced yesterday that has rendered it to a pathetic state of shreds on her night stand. Only thinking about it will make her falter. Her eyes glanced at it once more, her neck felt  _nude_ for the masses to see.

 

_Being this exposed won’t be easy._ She knows it’s been a while without it. Everything was slowly becoming  _familiar_ once more.  A slight breeze made its way inside sending chills down her back. She welcomes it. It was a nice reminder that she’s still alive.  She picks up the pace, knowing that she didn’t wish to make any petty excuses for her  _lack_ of behavior to her peers by taking up much longer. Something catches her eyes,  _a mirror_. She delivers a small glare. The endeavors of one’s own private  _hell ride_ of self-worth was enough to make Mikasa go insane so early in the morning that she makes it her top priority to dash quickly by it.  _For stopping is a sin of momentous proportions._ She tells herself. Her inner thought said nothing. She supposed that was a sign of progress.  She didn’t like who she had become. And she didn’t need a mirror to judge her base on it either. She saved herself that  _hell ride_ for now.  _For now_. And on cue her thinking process becomes dissolved as she hears it answer back.

 

It wasn’t helping her condition, she was feeling nervous, more edgy than usual _——you have no one else to blame but yourself——_ she must put up a strong front in efforts of not collapsing on her own remorse, but it all came crashing down in vain the moment she saw herself across _another_ mirror. 

 

Silence.

 

_Break it. Rise to the challenge._ Her inner thoughts whispered softly, taunting her in every way possible. She quickly shakes her head as her heart races rapidly inside her. _These are the trials and tribulation that you must endure for what you have done_.Mikasa swallows hard, balling her fist, knowing what will await if she sees herself in that mirror. Her legs fidgeted and she’s moments away from actually screaming. _Get it together Ackerman. You can’t be defeated by a mirror, that’s laughable. You’re one of the best trainees here, right?_ She honestly wasn’t sure how to answer that, for right now she wasn’t having the most confidence about anything.  _JUST GO——_ her mind screamed at her that resulted in bolting out of there quickly. Mikasa was proud of herself for a moment that it took an immense amount of energy to prevent herself from actually punching the glass before her. She wasn’t sure if anyone knew anything about the prior events; she isn’t the type to announce her business out in the open. If there is anything she knew about Annie, it was that she isn’t one to  _gossip_  about anything either, let alone speak about it.

 

Mikasa stops firmly before opening the mess hall doors, inhaling deeply,  _waiting_ for what may come behind them _——just go in——_ she hesitated. _Fear?_ That one seemed appropriate. It wasn’t a lie. Mikasa was feeling fear tickling in her gut, creating tight knots. _Fear that she may be inside? Isn’t that what you want you stupid g——_ Mikasa quickly stops the thought from finishing and swings the doors open allowing herself in. It was everything she expected it to be.  _Normal._

 

_But that really determines on what ‘normal’ is now does it?_

 

She exhaled as she walked in. _Everything was normal. Everyone was enjoying their time with their friends, Connie was busy laughing with Sasha, Reiner and Bert——_ her attention trailed off as she noticed that something was amiss. Everything around her began to feel _colder_ , quieter as she drowns the world out in disbelief that Annie isn’t present in her usual spot.

 

She’s barely aware of her legs moving based on the scenery changing, too numbed up to notice walking like a robot towards Eren and Armin, _my usual spot;_ and sitting down next to them. Everything around her was appearing to be in slow motion. As if space around her was giving her time to _gather_ her thoughts long enough to make sense of this. _How kind_. She glanced once more at Annie’s spot _——empty spot——_ trying to make sense of this. Her heart started aching, her throat started closing. She was honesty hurt by her absence. Hurt by _——_

 

"Mikasa! You didn’t grab a plate." Eren’s word snap her back into reality causing her to face him, a bit startle. She parted her lips _——you mustn’t speak——_ but nothing came out as she quickly closed her mouth. Eren took another spoonful and spoke again, “Aren’t you hungry?” He asked with his mouth full.

 

_Oh, Eren. Even now, you have such horrible manners at the table. Even now after everything that has happened._

 

She shook her head softly showing no interest in continuing this conversation, _if you can even call it that,_ and clasped her hands together under the table. She wasn’t lying. She was feeling her stomach tying itself in knots and she was on edge. Coming out this far, and not seeing Annie was a horrible blow to her. She really wanted to see her and apologize. _If she lets me. Please let me._ She thought softly being hopeful about future events.

 

_——if you let me speak. Please let me._

 

_That’s the real trick here isn’t?_ Her inner voice was mocking her. She couldn’t deny that fact. Eren and Armin both acknowledge that something was _off_ about her. They even noticed her scarf was amiss and said nothing at all. No one seemed to bothered with that, like it wasn’t really out of character.    
   
None questioned the reasons behind it, and base on Mikasa’s solemn expression neither was daring to ask her. They both shrugged it off as if it was the occasional girl fashion sense that is forever changing that  _never_  requires any explanation. She  _DID_  cut her hair after all and paid it no heed, seeing her change her fashion wasn’t something to query about. This however starts to set her back. Out of all the people, she’d been expecting Eren to at least say something about it. Yet, she was grateful he didn’t. She wouldn’t be able to answer any of it. She was feeling conflicted about the whole ordeal, and she can’t pin point if it’s the lack of Annie’s presence, or the lack of Eren’s concern and of not voicing his reaction upon it. _I mean it is your scarf. The one article that I held around my neck for God knows how long, and you won’t even question its whereabouts now?_

 

She tilted her head to the side and finally propped her elbows on the table _——bad manners be damned——_ Mikasa was pissed for a different reason as she let her head rest on one of her hands, staring around at her surroundings. Feeling genuinely upset about the whole thing that she, alone, had put herself in. “Mikasa, are you alright?” Armin asked looking directly at her, causing her glance up at him. She wasn’t paying attention to anything _important_. _The only thing that is, isn’t present. But no Armin. I’m not alright. Nothing about this is okay_. _I am not okay_. Mikasa quickly dismissed her thoughts, for she is not one to lie to Armin, she never had a reason to _——this was a good reason——_ and sees that being around her _talkative_ friends is only going to be trouble. _Only one thing to do…_   She quickly forced a smile and nodded at him, abolishing any further questions, and stands up from the table, which alerted them of her leave. She snatched Eren’s loaf of bread quickly from his plate _——_ much to his displeasure _——_ and made her way outside, away from everyone.

 

Mikasa was grateful for having a free day from training. But a part of her hoped that she was training to keep her mind occupied. A part of her was grateful for that, because without a doubt she would have had to face her, and as much as she wanted to see her, she also didn’t. There was some truth in Annie’s words, and it was only bothering her so deeply inside because of that.

 

_'Coward_ ” she said. She could only make a face to that as she finished the bread, walking the streets in silence, having the sun shine all around her. She saw some of her peers nearby and can barely address those close to her. She wasn’t going to make _friends_ with others that barely know her. A trainee purposely avoided her as she came walking down the steps. _Wha——?_ She looked behind her and saw that it was someone she had sparred with, and remembers that it was a _fast_ spar that resulted in calling in a medic. Mikasa had been harsh that day, and she couldn’t remember the reason behind it. She only remembered apologizing and the effects it created afterwards among her peers. She became an ill favored cadet to spar with.

 

That soon spread out and Mikasa was seeing first-hand how everyone was reacting to her appearance. She was being avoided.

 

_Could——_ Mikasa began as she adjusted her eyesight giving her surroundings one more final glance to confirm her predicament.  _Could she be avoiding me?_  Her mind was entering a dark place, and she did not like where it was going. Those words were slowly sinking under her skin and the possibility of being  _right_  made her heart ache. She swallows the hard lump forming in her throat, feeling a cold sweat consume her. _It’s a possibility._

 

_NO._ Mikasa’s speed picks up as she walked further down the stairs, convincing herself that she did a poor job at judging the place around her. She was not ready to fail. _Not today. Not again._ _For today will not be repeated as if it were yesterday. Once is enough._ She contemplated to herself feeling winded, _Annie isn’t avoiding me, she is just busy_ ,  _away_ , _taking care of other things_.  _Yes, other important things._ Mikasa’s heart and mind continued, in complete and utter denial, as she was growing increasingly alarmed by the minute; she wasn’t seeing the one person that she wanted.  _That she needed_. 

 

That small thing inside of her that always pushed her _——determination——_ refused to let her rest, even for a moment _——failing to find her is forbidden——_ her voice scolding her at the core.  She walked further down the street, turned around, gave up. She made it pass another corner, made it halfway, found herself at a dead end. Gave up. She made it pass an empty corridor moved a couple of inches to the left. Gave up. She dodge swiftly between a crowd, made it halfway, found herself on her face. Gave up. She surrender herself to the will of the floor to sweep under her feet. It mocked her, unmoving. Gave up.

 

Mikasa was at a loss as each passing minute was making her condition worst, and the last thing she needed right now was another panic attack as her body reminded her of what’s to come if this kept up. She knows that she must be calm and collective and try her best to think of all the locations Annie could be. It quickly dawns on her on how little she knows about the blonde. _Nothing at all. If I had known, I could see her._ She started to feel her throat aching again, feeling like a dispirited child in the center of everything, looking for their _lost puppy._  Mikasa wanted to cry. _If I had——_ she glanced around and saw that she was starting to bring attention to herself.

 

_——if I had only known, this wouldn’t hurt as much._

 

Mikasa couldn’t even _ask_ for help. To ask for any directions, create any leads. She had to be patient and wait for Annie to _come to her_. To seek her out in her own terms.

 

Then something went off in her head, something brilliant, something magical, something she wasn’t expecting at all. _To be right._

 

Annie was purposefully avoiding Mikasa. And the faster Mikasa realized it, the more she wanted to cry about it. She really couldn’t comprehend the gravity of how right her instinct was nor the effects it was having on her body. Mikasa’s insides were filling up with this immense void that she desperately wanted to see filled, before her fears that it made it consumed her from inside. Condemning her to a despair she could not yet imagine. She had to _——_ No, needed to apologize.  _With what voice? And say what? Stupid girl——NO._  Mikasa had no time for that voice. Not right now. She knew that if she let it start, she’d falter. She’d surrender and would cease to be driven with the purpose that was now guiding her. She could simply not afford that judgmental voice of  _reason._  She couldn’t face her many faults and imperfections, and above all, her failures. Every one of them. Mikasa was sorry, and she wanted Annie to know about it. To know of her intentions, her feelings and struggles. And the height of irony of it all was that Mikasa  _couldn’t_.  
   
 _Now you wish to speak. Now you wish to say things out in the open. Now. Now. Now. After all that is done. Why now? Why did it take you this long? But most of all, what makes you think she cares?_  
    
Mikasa came to a full stop. Her eyes widened. There it was. Her heartache; she rapidly felt herself immersed into this great depression roiling up inside like great black waves, allowing it to consume herself fully. The void had finally grown complete inside her. Mikasa felt shattered. _Loneliness._ The sensation became overwhelming, so quickly that it takes her completely off guard. She started breathing out of her nose quickly, familiarizing herself with the urgency to cry. The need to.  
  
 _Don’t. Hold it in. It’ll be okay._ Mikasa sadly consolidated herself. _It’ll be okay._  
   
And just as quickly as her mind turned for the worst, she noticed _her_ off in the distance. A blonde blotch. It was now becoming a blur, and Mikasa couldn’t, for the life of her, focus on it. She couldn’t blink, in dire fear of losing that blotch. She very much wanted to keep staring.  _Annie._  Her pace quickened, her eyes bolted onto her target. She took a quick step forward and paused something was holding her back. Little by little Annie was walking further away. Away from her. The blotch was getting smaller. Mikasa’s heart was aching with each passing second.

 

_Please._

 

Every muscle in Mikasa’s body began to tug at her, to force her to move, to scream, _go, go, run, run, RUN TO HER. RUN. WHAT ARE YOU DOING DAMN YOU._ Every muscle, every fiber of her being. Heart, mind, body, and soul connected as one. Every cell in her being ignited by the impending loss of _her_ from sight, all screaming the same thing, except one.

 

That one little voice.  
   
 _You have no right._  

 

Mikasa dropped her gaze, biting her lower lip hard as tears fell in silence down her face.  _Please._  Mikasa was still begging her will inside. She was in agony. She quickly looked up only to confirm what she already knows. It was a painful reminder. Annie was gone.

 

_PLEASE._

 

Her throat was aching, her fists were clenched, and her legs were beginning to wobble. Dumbfounded by everything that had transpired inside her and her lack of movement. An area where she excels at any other time and needed to now the most. It was beyond devastating to have her body fail her like that.  _Another failure_. Just as quickly as that thought ripped through her mind, her right leg gave out, forcing her knee to hit the ground hard breaking her fall. Mikasa paid it no heed. For her current pain was beyond anything she had physically felt before. This was nothing.

 

_Annie. Annie._ Mikasa felt like she was losing her mind. _Any minute now. For everyone to see._ She had stopped caring what anyone thought of her. _Damn my reputation._ She’d never cared for it. She’d only cared about what Annie thought of her. Her tears were overflowing, cascading down her cheeks but she dares not to blink.  _Not to speak. Not to scream how much this all means to me._   _Annie——_   
   
 _——Will I ever_ _know_ ——her bittersweet thought began as her body started to shake violently from the inside _——how it feels to hold you close?_

 

It was such a depressing thought because of all the _hope_ she had put behind it. How much she had desperately needed it.

 

_——will I?_  She had no acceptable answer for such a fairy tale question.

 

_PLEASE NOTICE ME_. She screamed inside. Her heart beat furiously trying it’s best to reach _her_ , holding on to any hope that sprang forth. Wishing like an old man asking for a brand new start at life on his death bed. _Another chance_. Just hoping for something that wasn’t going to happen.

 

Defeated, at a total loss _——_ willing and ready to give up _——_ her mind quickly screamed at her once more. _RUN TO HER DAMN YOU. RUN._

 

Mikasa’s head jerked up quickly with widening eyes at that internal scream that was igniting her entire existence. With sudden and jerking movements, she bolted out of arms way running with such fire.

 

_RUN TO HER._

 

It echoed in her ears, obeying her wishes. Finally. Her _voice of reason._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Final Note: Was I the only one screaming for Mikasa to run? I hope not. This has got to be the most painful chapter I’ve ever written so far. Normally P5 and P6 were the ones that held a place in my heart, but the amount of times I burst out crying in this chapter is ridiculous. I was drying towards the end, and I had written a decent amount before I called it quits. Came back later and somehow it got 30x more depressing, and devastating and just fucking sad overall that naturally I repeated that insane process. I’m more or less Mikasa’s voice of reason, because I do want to see her happy and find some resolution. I do want her to say all of these things to her, I do want her to find her, to run to her, to-to-to— stuff. However just because you’re willing to do the right thing doesn’t merit a clean conversation. When was the last time you apologized to an ex only to have them verbally bitch slap you? Exactly, not always easy. I can’t speak for P12, because I haven’t written it yet nor do I know how things will happen, (seriously, I’m baffle!) if anything I just made it that more complicated to write about because now I’m running with all of these emotions that Mikasa now has. I don’t know how Mikasa will be able to say anything without having permission, there is just an insane amount of unknowns to really go on here that I can’t say much about it besides ‘see you in the next chapter!’


	12. Part 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> When was the last time you cared about your reputation? (I’m sorry it’s incredibly late. But December was a busy month for me.) I will admit that I had a clear idea of what I wanted to do and I was actually excited to write it——I even had trigger words for it——but as I found myself typing away, my thoughts shifted and things began changing and now it’s like a whole new idea has form and taken its place and this chain reaction is happening because of it and it’s now blowing my mind. Because I was led astray from my original idea to this new one, it paved way to insert one of my favorite personal quotes (tagline) that just changed the entire definition of it. Ugh, I’m a mess as you can see; an emotional wreck, I’m sure you notice. Not in real life, but on fictions I’m quite miserable aren’t I? Speaking of a mess, I actually started to focus on self-respect——don’t ask me why——and the idea of how can someone have such a thing under such circumstances be allowed to have it, and I was talking to one of my friends about it and I said “why not?” of course she retorted by saying “Because you fucked up, you’re not allowed to have self-respect.” So with that in mind I naturally integrated it into this chapter and dragged it out in my own iconic ways of nothingness that eventually make sense. At least to me, because I like tackling subjects that don’t make sense and try to find ways to justified it. Again don’t ask me why. If you are still reading this, you are beyond amazing and know that I love you from the bottom of my heart. And if I ever happened to teach you something within my fictions or at least shed some light into a subject you never thought about before, then I’ll know this was all not in vain. I also hope you’ll see why I decided to take this route and what the consequences of it can be afterwards. Oh the possibilities~ Everything is tied up together if you looked closely. This fiction is anything but simple to write about, but you really need to be really fucking depress to write it. It’s that emotionally exhausting, so again I apologize for the delay. Enjoy reading!

_When did being right became so Goddamn painful?_

  
These are the thoughts of a very conflicted, dark-haired, girl running through dozens of people, trying to get to her target. _Never mind those that wanted to offer some assistance at your pathetic display of emotions, you simply breeze through them for the sole purpose of not caring anymore about your reputation. For a moment you allowed yourself to believe that they won't understand you, that they simply can't help you. For the feelings of a young woman are anything but simple and worst yet, you can’t simply allow yourself to speak._

  
 _Speak._

  
Mikasa had never valued the worth of speaking more than she does now. For speaking is of vital importance to get any message out. You can only go so far with just being _physical_ , and that’s what the root of all her problems.

  
But Mikasa didn't want to be right——she wanted to be wrong——she didn’t want to believe that Annie was in fact avoiding her, because if it she was, this was downright painful. _Isn’t that fair?_ Mikasa shook that thought away knowing that she deserved it. But she also knows what she deserves—— _to be liberated_ —— _for you don’t have to be right, as long as you’re honest._ And right now, that’s all she wanted. _Honesty._ Mikasa just needed to wake up from this nightmare that she created for herself. And as soon as those thoughts came, one came crashing even faster. Closer to home.  _Stupid girl!_ It screamed at her as she came to a screeching halt crashing into one of her comrades getting the wind  knocked out of her chest.   
___________  
  
  
  
Knowledge was everything, and that was something Mikasa lacked severely upon the matter. There was no way Mikasa could have known that Annie didn't _effortlessly_ waltz in last night to crash  in her bed, having been stopped by Reiner and Bertholdt, who had questionable expressions on her poor demeanor. Had she known that, she would have known how Annie tossed them to the side as if they were _nothing -_  because when you disregard those that care about you, you must have been in quite a shitty mood to actually act on it. _And whose fault was it?_ Mikasa would have seen the chain reaction this would create between them. 

  
Annie wasn’t in the mess hall this morning. She was not in her usual spot. She was not anywhere near her usual suspects. _Those that are always watching, perhaps?_ It’s what Mikasa would use to identify them since she found it peculiar. The downfall was that she was so caught up in her own selfishness of needing her present to actually notice anything beyond that. Had Mikasa known that Annie hated being watched, she would  have seen how this was not something _personal_ against her, for Annie was just avoiding everyone around her. This was nothing new, but when you’re feeling  _guilty_ , everything becomes personal.

  
Instead, Mikasa strongly believed that Annie hated her, and this was the reason why she wanted to run after her. To clear her conscious, to clear her name, and to really explain her reasons for doing what she did. _What was the reason?_ If she was knowledgeable about all these things, she would have noticed that Bertholdt was never too far behind her. If so, then following Bertholdt was the best, secret way to finding out Annie’s whereabouts and she would have done it long ago. Instead, she’s reminded of one of her greatest flaws; _what was that again? Oh yes._

  
 _STUPID GIRL._

  
It echoed in her ears loudly as she came crashing into Bertholdt, feeling a sharp pain as she tripped all over him, thus creating a scene for everyone to see. Her eyes were tightly shut through reflex upon impact, her right shoulder blade hitting him hard on the side with such force, both bodies hurled an impressive 10 feet through the air from where Bertholdt was originally standing to hit the ground harshly in a tightly tangled mass.  

  
Any witnesses could testify that Mikasa had just injured his ribs, possibly even broke, based on the fierceness of her collision and the location of impact.  Bertholdt's cries of agony did not help matters for her either. Mikasa's ears were now ringing, her body felt pain from a new source and was starting to tingle, her heart was still racing. There was absolute silence around them, the crowd more startled than anything else, and Mikasa was not one to speak up first. She was partially laying on his side, her knee scraped from dragging the ground after their landing. Both simply lay there, immobilized.

During the moments of shocked silence and catching her breath, unable to currently think about the pain shooting through her body, she feels frustration building inside, and dare she hope, asks herself this question now at all times: _Is this even worth it?_

  
Mikasa was floored, in more ways than she expected.

 

 _Annie._ She thought with her eyes closed panting softly. _You spent your morning chasing after her, you're running through the streets like a mad woman, and you dare question if she's worth_ _it?_

 

 _Stupid girl!_ It shouted back inside her. She forced her eyes shut. She was not sure where her pain was coming from at this point. The idea did bother her enough to let her focus on it.

 

 _But that’s why it bothers you, is it not? Because you yourself aren't worth it, are you?_  Her voice mocked her for a minute. It was reassuring her at the obvious, just hoping for her to take the bait.

 

Pause.  

 

 _This is not the time nor place to be questioning your self-worth._ Quickly, it began knowing that it had taken her to a place she wasn’t expecting. _Focus on that when you explain yourself. Get up. Get on your feet. Focus Ackerman, focus._  
   
She couldn’t say anything to her inner voice, nor even argue. She couldn’t even apologize to Bertholdt. She had not even cried out at the suddenness of running into him. Her goal at the time was that great of a focus that she managed to overlook someone as tall as Bertholdt in the middle of the street in plain daylight. With the wind recently knocked out of her, she was reduced to a panting mess, entirely shaken by the whole ordeal. _New ordeal._ She blinked, squeezing her eyes shut tight a few times, gasping for air before staring at the ground finally.

  
Once more, the ground was unmoving. It didn’t sweep under her feet. And once again, it mocked her.

  
 _It never ends._

  
She groaned inwardly after reaching that conclusion.

  
But Mikasa was wrong. _Again._ Mikasa was so caught up with trying to see Annie that she failed to notice something important about herself: she had self-respect, and it allowed her to notice the harm she had caused her, and was willing to do something about it. _Anything that would better yourself in morality must be self-respect._

  
She didn’t care about her reputation when it came to _others_ , she cared when it came to _her_. _Self-respect lets you own up to your mistakes, it also lets you notice the harm and the hurt you have caused others._ Mikasa was living and breathing it. She was the perfect example of it, as of late.

  
But there was one thing that she was certain about, she could very well damn her reputation if it meant getting in the way of her own happiness, that _preservation_ was not an option _._ Mikasa didn’t just want to wake up from this nightmare, she wanted to be _happy_. And how to achieve it was beyond her.

  
 _Be what it may, after saying your piece, you can’t change anyone’s mind in the end. If they end up thinking ill of you, they will. Nothing will change that. No matter how hard you try._

  
Mikasa hated her voice of reason at times like this. She may be stupid, but not enough to the point of arguing.

  
 _Because when you argue with facts, you never go anywhere. And right now you want to leave, you want to be happy. Pursue your own happiness._ The thought alone actually started to weigh her down. It utterly hurt. To think that your simple thoughts cause you more pain than physical, was astonishing to her.

  
 _What was that again?_ She asked herself. _Stupid girl. Yes._ It was a nice reminder.

  
The silence between them was slowly broken as she hears Bertholdt groaning beneath her, trying to move, and suddenly the world was upon her again. As if that was the cue for the others to come closer and offer assistance.

  
“Are you alright?” They asked with great concern as they helped Mikasa get on her feet, making her place her arm over their shoulders. Only then did she realize how much her body was in pain. She clenched her teeth, biting down the pain coming from her leg _——the other one this time——_ that broke her fall when she hit the ground with such force. It was now bleeding, her jeans ripped in place along her leg and she found it difficult to stand properly. She was grateful for the assistance, but she was now in no position to see _her_.

  
 _It truly never fucking ends. _

  
Her shoulder was aching, her legs pulsating, and the more she saw Bertholdt struggling to stand up the worse she felt.

  
She glanced around and saw no signs of Annie, she was truly gone by now. Mikasa had been nowhere close to reaching her yet. _Again_. She really began to wonder if this was the right course for her. That maybe not missing him wasn’t the worst thing that could happen to her, but rather catching it was because it may have killed him. Had Mikasa known about the truth about Bertholdt, she would  have done humanity a great service.  And Mikasa nearly did.

 

Knowledge was everything.

 

And she could have solved Annie’s problem that way, but Bertholdt knock some sense into her as well, even if she was the forced behind it.

  
It stopped her.

  
Long enough to realize that she wasn’t sure what she would say if she was within her presence. Mikasa was running on high emotions, running with her instincts, but her reason wasn’t sound _verbally_. She wouldn’t even know how to start any conversation, nor know what to say even if she had a voice. The whole thing was utterly frustrating that it greatly upset her feeling incredibly useless.

  
 _It’s not something to be denied; but it’s something I won’t say._

  
Silence.

  
 _Feeling useless and having self-worth of respect in one isn’t possible? Is it?_ Her eyes lowered, she felt all of those eyes of concern staring at her. Questionable looks, whispers of why she would run into him like that, allegations of it being an accident and not a brutal attack out of nowhere, the carelessness of it all and how bad both of their current conditions were meant that no one was to blame. _Because at the end of the day, everyone wants to place blame on someone. Blaming is always easier than being held responsible for their own mess._ Her eyes began to lower knowing she had no one to blame but herself.

  
Mikasa felt her heart aching once more, familiarizing herself with the same feeling from before. It wasn’t enough that her body was in pain, she had to be emotionally compromised as well. She was genuinely upset, the void inside was growing, and she was trying her best to not tear up. She dropped her gaze, bowing under a sudden weight, feeling her chest tighten and her throat ache once more.

  
 _Everything just sucks. Doesn’t it?_

  
She didn’t wish to agree, but her feelings made the decision for her as her vision became impaired. At least Mikasa was aware that she had an upper hand about crying, no one would think ill of her, she did just crash badly into a person, injuring each other badly enough that if she wanted to cry from any pain it was _allowed_ at this point.  

  
Her throat started aching, alarming her of what’s to come. _Don’t. Don’t do it. Hold it in. Don’t create more of a bigger scene than it has to be._ For the life of her, Mikasa really couldn’t handle it anymore. There was only so much she could take. And now this. Her body betrayed her as tears came out, forcing her to sharply close her eyes and cover them up with her free hand. Away from everyone, for none to see fully.

  
 _Shame_.

  
In a situation where embarrassment and shame are coincided, this was  shame to her. For she didn’t care about her reputation, she cared about the failure she had brought upon herself. And it overwhelmed her to the point of actually crying in public eyes.

 

“Mikasa?” Bertholdt mumbled as he tried his best to sit up with assistance from others. Mikasa knew she did a real number on him. She didn’t need to see him to prove it. She knew that base on the impact she made with his ribcage. The height difference was the issue. When it came to brutality, she wasn’t stupid. She knew what she had done.

  
 _Just how fast were you going? Did you want to see her that bad?_ She swallowed hard as she began to breathe faster still with her hand in place.

 

_Just because you’re trying to do the right thing doesn’t warrant exception over your choices. You are still at fault and trying to make amends doesn’t make it all go away._

  
“She’s alright. We got her.” She heard from the background, perhaps answering Bertholdt’s comment. His voice was of relief, unlike her internal, raging one that was judgmental and harsh about everything. For a minute, she was thankful for his _kindness_ and consideration, and that kindness manifested into more tears. She wasn’t sure why she was crying at this point, but whatever the reason it wasn’t stopping.

  
 _The need to cry. To wash away the shame. The pain. Everything._

 

Mikasa must have mustered all of her remaining strength to not burst out crying fully. If anything, she was having one of the worst painful types of cries imaginable. The silent ones.

  
 _Don’t make the mistake of confusing anger with rudeness. Stop being selfish for once._ She swallowed hard and took a step forward with the help of a trainee and rubbed her eyes, quickly placing her hand back down, and looked at Bertholdt who was also on his feet with a weary smiled. Confusion was written on his face.

 _It’s not something to be denied——_ her thought quickly began and, just as quickly, stopped. A part of her was happy that it wasn’t someone else. Grateful that it was a _man_ at least to shoulder some of the blow that she delivered. She would never live it down if it was a female of a weaker, smaller structure. Her selfish needs could have easily killed someone.

  
She felt a sense of relief in knowing that things could have been much worse. She forced a small smile of _understanding_ at him who smiled in returned.

  
 _——But it’s something I won’t say._ She finished her thought with finality as she exhales, standing upright and bearing whatever pain her body will give her for making the effort. _Can’t say_. She made a soft bow of her head to the trainee that was assisting her, alerting him that she was alright to be on her own. He too was also confused. She took a step forward, awkwardly and painfully enough towards Bertholdt.

  
 _Say what?_

  
_How much I need her._ She quickly erases that thought and focuses on her current situation, full of determination to see it through.

  
 _Today is a horrible day. A horrible fucking day._ She was _now_ sorry for what she had done to Bertholdt, and she wishes she could apologize properly but the only thing she could do to make anything right was approach him. “Mikasa?” Bertholdt began, bewildered by what he was witnessing. Mikasa grabbed his arm and placed it over her shoulder. She wanted to carry him to the infirmary. It was perhaps laughable, especially with the obvious height difference, and incredibly selfish on her part to bear the weight of her fallen ally. But inside, Mikasa didn’t wish to place blame on anyone. She wanted to confront her issues. She didn’t want anyone carrying him and shouldering her own problems. Otherwise she would never save face when it comes to Annie.

 

 _Pride. That’s what it was._ Mikasa needed it. She knew that Bertholdt was one of Annie’s friends. She had to make it right somewhere.  

  
“Stop, you’re both injured!”

  
She ignored that comment, among others, that were opposed but she wanted to take full responsibility for her actions. _Her selfish actions._ She glares at Bertholdt, who remained quiet, since he knew he wasn’t one to argue with her. He could _understand_ where she was coming from, and no words were actually needed to get to that level of understanding. Training together, alongside one another, for a while now had its perks.

  
 _This was one of them._

  
“Mikasa!”

  
She quickly glanced up at the sound of her name coming from a distance and was shocked to see  Eren running towards her alongside Jean at full speed. Her heart quickly dropped.

  
 _Damnit. It TRULY never ends. _

  
While many would rejoice of the sight of the chevalier arriving to save the day, this was a fate much worse than Mikasa could  precedent. She was literally taken back by it.

  
For the last thing she wanted was to prove how much of a failure she can be to those closest to her.

   
 _Apparently your scene was so grand that he even noticed. Oh, that he noticed but not the lack of scarf? Was I really running in circles to have come across them without even trying?_ She thinks as her temper starts to flare up.

  
 _I must have_.

  
She quickly comes to that conclusion and moves on, knowing it was useless to think about. For she was defeated greatly this day, and she was in no position to run away. Her leg was injured, she was holding up Bertholdt, having him rest part of his weight on her, and feeling utterly trapped by her situation. She drops her gaze, quickly fighting the urge to cry again.   _Frustration. That’s what this is. Desperation for wanting something so bad but can’t achieve it._ She bites her lower lip feeling completely useless. She had wanted to prove that she wasn’t, but that attempt was now obliterated by their presence.

  
 _Fuck this day._ Was the only thing Mikasa could say to herself.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’ll be lying if I said that I didn’t agree with the way Mikasa was feeling at an end because really, fuck this day. But I needed to have him involved for obvious reasons. Wait, where you guys actually expecting her to actually reach Annie and tell her how much she loves her? Come on guys, that’s not how RL works. That’s some horrible cliché and I would be honestly disappointed in myself if I did that and made it look that easy. Do you not know me by now? Things happened for a reason, and eventually things will make sense. At least I keep telling myself that. I apologize for the angst, but apparently that’s what FORCED is, just an orgy of angst and devastation. I, too, want happy chapters. But much like Mikasa, I’m trying to pursue the happiness of it. And that’s never easy. The idea of having her crashed with someone wasn’t done to purposely torture you guys, but because it usually happens; there is always an obstacle that prevents you from getting to where you want, that running through a town full of people it was bound to happen. However, running into Bertholdt was someone I wasn’t expecting. I had someone else in mind. But picking him proved to be more logical. My decision to pick him actually came from the manga when Reiner accused him of always looking at her, believing that he may fancy her, (of course that is up to debate and fandoms) but I truly believe the reason he always was doing that was because Bertholdt sees Annie as this wild card and doesn’t trust her at all that he is forever looking her way. The glance of insecurity per say. There is never a moment he looks at her with lust, but just with great concern of being edgy, yet again this is Bertholdt for fucks sakes, he’s always sweating in the BG so this can be debated for eons on what that means. Now here’s a fun thought, what would Annie do if she found out about that accident between Bertholdt and Mikasa? What a great misunderstanding that would be! Oh fun. P13 will be in the works. See you next chapter.


	13. Part 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ever made a mess and have people just stare at you? But not just any mess, you hurt someone in the progress——accidently no less——and it doesn’t make it any less of a mess, nor any more forgiving. How did that feel like? I’m pretty sure it’s a mortifying experience. From beginning to end, it’ pretty horrible. It’s uncomfortable to have such spotlight, even more devastating when someone gets involved. And more humiliating when someone close to you comes to your aid when all you want to do is.. Well, basically die. Crawl under a rock and stay there. Even while knowing that we can’t control everything, we sure as Hell can keep making an effort to try. I mention that I was going to shed some light into Eren’s personality, and quite frankly, it’s a difficult process when you dislike the character. I had to focus on various things, and while I also have an older brother of my own, I couldn’t even relate to it. Maybe it’s because my own brother doesn’t shift into a Titan, heck, who knew that’s what I needed to make a decent chapter. You’d either agree with my perspective of him, or disagree with it. But, if by any chance it does shed some light on something you never noticed before, I’ll honestly consider this a successful chapter despite whatever happens in it. I also want to point out that I did something new, I’m always experimenting, bear with me, but somewhere between page 5 and 7, I started humming a lullaby. A weird twisted lullaby that I made up lyrics to a jingle that I heard the other day. I can’t remember if it was someone’s ringtone but it sounded like a music box, and magically it buried in my head that I ended up making perhaps the most twisted lyrics ever of ‘never advancing forward’ that I found to be perfect for this chapter. ((Anything inside ‘[[ ]]’ is the lullaby)) I allowed myself to tap back into Mikasa’s psychology that I simply had to integrate them in this chapter. You’ll see as you’ll read along. Hopefully. In my mind, I find them to be eerie, and disturbing above all that I think of them in such way each time I read them. How you guys will read the lyrics is up to you, have fun singing them however you’d like.

 

There are times when you can be lost in thought that you can’t see what’s ahead of you, because most of your problems come from a distance, and the ones that are actually up close are the ones that need to be focused on. Had Mikasa done that in the first place, who knows where she could have ended;  _in Annie’s arms perhaps? And say what?_  
  
“Mikasa!” Eren shouted again snapping Mikasa’s head back in gear. _Maybe it was because you were so mortified to notice your predicament that you hallucinated some magical plan to see it through. You imagine yourself reaching her, saying what you have to and reaching some type of resolution. Holding hands perhaps. Just the complete opposite of grinding your teeth, biting down any pain you must have, embracing an injured comrade from a fractured rib, which you’re responsible for, while having part of his weight on you in front for everyone to see. Yes, complete opposite._  
  
 _You would have been happier then._  Her mind reminded her.  _Instead. Eren had to bring you back to life, you stupid girl._  
  
And for a second there, Mikasa never realizes what she actually thought of him. She has never really formed an opinion about him. She never considered the possibility of actually thinking it through since she was stuck with him. He was her only family. Flaws and all.  
  
 _Who always pushes you away, trying to prove what a big boy he is._   Her mind inserted that valid point sarcastically.  
 _  
You remember the time he was being bullied and you came to his aid, he was so upset over it that he didn’t wish to speak to you for days.  You were so hurt by it then._  
  
 _Yet, he’s here now._  Mikasa retorted to that path of thoughts, watching him make his way to her through the crowd, and Mikasa wasn’t quite sure how she felt about any of that yet.  
  
 _[[Two steps in, closer to you, two steps backwards away from you.]]_ Her mind started singing this ridiculous lullaby, as if this was a joke.   
  
 _It is._  
  
A horrific joke that Mikasa couldn’t escape. And Eren was inching closer and closer to where she was.   _It’s finally going to happen, let it go. Everything will be okay.  Everything will go according to their plan. They’ll be the knights in shining armor——the heroes——helping two comrades from an ill—sudden crash——that had just happened to create a scene. It’ll be okay.  
_  
 _[[Two steps in, closer to you…]]_  It trailed off in her head as the scenery around her blurred rapidly.  
  
Mikasa took a step backwards, responding to the tune, she wasn’t ready to admit defeat.  
  
 _Maybe the brutality of it made it worse? Maybe it was the players that were involved? What would that say of your reputation for them to notice?_  
  
Mikasa had to access quickly how it came to this. She was standing at a mere 5'7, and she single handily crash into a much taller person—— _who also happened to ranked in the top 10_ ——that sent them both flying through the air. Even by height differences, Mikasa was nonetheless such a giant among her squad for being the top of the class, that to be reduced into a useless being with a scrape knee was unheard of.  
  
 _It was worth all the whispers that could go about into the day._  It was all Mikasa could hear around her. All she could make off the actions of those speaking among themselves as they look directly at them. Mikasa failed to notice how her heart was racing at this. She was in the spotlight on what appeared like a sea of people.  
  
But she couldn’t afford to care, not right now. She already endured the meaning of her reputation and wanted to hear no more of it.  
  
“Mikasa!” Eren shouted, his voice was the icing in her failure and wanted to hear no more of it. She had drowned everything out, could see his lips move about without a sound, as he came rushing towards her placing his hands on her shoulders. He had Jean assist in taking Bertholdt from her, releasing the added weight from her. Even with the larger comrade off, she didn’t feel any lighter. He asked the common queries,  _perhaps_ , his eyes were frightened, cold as usual, the natural demeanor that he always presented and confusion above all was written all over his face; it was understandable. But Mikasa was too caught up being mortified to pay attention to anything beyond that. She knew rather well to assume how this would all play out that she simply checked herself out for a moment.  
  
She felt like she had no say so in the most literal sense about the matter that was at hand, and nothing she would say could change what was done. Eren then shifts his attention around towards the witnesses out of her silence, everything was an emotional blow right after another. All she could remember now was him, grabbing her arm around his shoulder as she dropped her gaze; the  _whispers_ were also fading away.  
  
 _Meaningless blunder.  
  
[[….. Two steps in, closer to you,… down, down we’ll fall...]]_  
  
For the life of her, she can’t understand why that song will play in her ears, why she couldn’t shake it. She even started to wonder if she was that badly reduced to a child’s mental state to actually have it ringing in her ears. But she was grateful that the witnesses spoke for her. For Eren was not one to _ask_ , he was one to  _shout_. Bark questions, demanding answers like a child and always assuming the worst. It was beyond her where Eren got that trait from, but the thought of him turning out  _much worst_  after his mother’s death to be the reason for it, so she dropped it. She couldn’t afford to pick that subject.  
  
She assumed that it takes all kinds of people. And they weren’t the same in the least. She learned to  _accept_  him for whom he was, she made that decision long ago when she entered his family.  
  
 _Especially after his transformation. There was nothing that could be done.  
  
But——_ she glances at him from the corner of her eyes.  
  
 _——even under distress, you have such horrible manners, Eren._  She thinks softly and drops her eyes staring at her injured knee. Deciding that it’s better to be lost in the red color of her own blood than to look into prying eyes.  _A substitute for the scarf perhaps?_  Her mind mocked her. It didn’t hurt her anymore, she honestly wasn’t sure what she was feeling at this point. _Numbness perhaps_ , for she was torn between being useless and humiliated. Her not saying anything only made it worst. It made her look guilty above all.  
  
She was being rescued by her  _brother_ and everything was fine with the World once more. She figured that’s what they all thought anyway.   
  
Eren stared ahead, ignoring the expressions of others, the  _whispers_ of the day. Being accustomed to this type of thing, he paid it no heed. If anything he felt bad when it came to her, he knew she was the private type. He glances at her for a moment, her expression still down,  _still shaken? Come on, Mikasa.  Top of the class and being defeated so easily? Just what possessed you to run into him like that?_  His mind was spinning with many questions, it was an unnatural sight to see, Mikasa has been always on point.  _Never this... uneasy._ All he manages to pick up from the witnesses was that she was a running lunatic until she came crashing into a tree.  
  
 _Tsk._  Eren was smiling inside at how ridiculous that sounded.  _A sign of relief. That’s what it was. For wanting to smile after such events only paved the way to being relieved_. He was certain Mikasa may laugh about this later on, alongside his other friends and Armin. He would if he could, it wasn’t that serious, at least from her part, Eren felt a bit bad for Bertholdt, he had no idea what to say about that.  _At least Mikasa is still able to perform and Bertholdt would survive_. Eren made that assessment upon meeting them.  
  
Yet, he was honestly concern about her.  _Be what it may, she’s my family_. Looking straight ahead with determination in his eyes, he makes that input to himself.  _Even if she is needy when she doesn’t have to be._  He thinks quietly, there was a time where he really considered that to be a cruel joke on her part, _perhaps she was rubbing in on how she excelled and made top of the class and you didn’t, and treated you as a child whenever you were injured?_  Eren made a face to that. He knew he owed Mikasa a great debt towards his current survival, she had rescued him several times,  _yet… why wouldn’t she let me be?_  
  
Eren was stubborn, he wanted to stand on his own feet. And Mikasa just wasn’t letting him be. It hadn’t crossed his mind that the way he felt those times, Mikasa was feeling it now. He would expect a reaction out of her,  _anger, perhaps_ , anything to prove his point, only Mikasa was soundlessly staring down. Unable to say a word. Eren lacked knowledge on the reasons behind that, in fact he knew nothing about it.  
  
Knowledge was everything. What you don’t know can’t hurt you. Can’t bother you. Eren felt none of these things, so he returned his attention ahead of him. Ignorance was golden to him.  
  
The whispers were at bay, not very loud, but enough to gage people’s reactions as they walked by _. It’s impossible to ignore such sight._ Mikasa’s mind reminded her, she really hated this day. She was also reminded of the time where she had lost immense value over her own life. Where she felt utterly hopeless with no say so on the matter, her feelings were now a mixed feeling of  _horror and relief_  in one, and she wasn’t going to try to make sense of it, she wasn’t going to question it; and she ultimately decided that it was the wisest decision she could have made so far. Because nothing she was feeling before made any sense and nothing  _after_ was going to help her cause. If anything, it kept hindering her.  
  
 _For one cannot find solutions to newer problems if you can’t fix the old ones that caused the first._  
  
Much like Eren, Mikasa continues to  _lack_  knowledge among other things. All she could do now was reminded herself of the time where she first met him, and her situation at the time being completely dire. Her fate was sealed and she was no stronger than a mere child being taken by grown men who ended her parent’s lives. Back then she would have never guessed she was moments away from getting a second chance of life that  _happiness_  could be beyond the horizon; for all she saw was darkness of her ill fate.   
  
 _But this situation is nothing like that, stupid girl, this is different. Her mind scolds at her._  
  
 _Maybe it was my frustration of it all, maybe it was my selfish needs of trying to get my way, or maybe it was that I’m just a wretched loser that I hated it when things never go my way? Her brain was racing with so many thoughts.  
  
[[Two steps backwards away from you, fall fall we’ll fa——]]_  
 _  
——since when did you become such a child!?_ Her inner voiced shouted, cutting through it all.  _You only injured yourself and scraped your knee, enough already! The World hasn’t ended._ The experienced startled her at the core. Her grip tighten to Eren’s jacket embracing herself for that blow.  _It was a nice needed reminder_ , she assumed as her eyes widen.  
  
But among her tangled thoughts, there was one thing Mikasa couldn’t question: _you can’t damn someone without knowing of their existence,_ _and you can’t hate them because of it. And you can’t hate yourself over something you have no control over._  Under these situations, Eren was a shining knight coming to her aid, and she should be forever grateful for his existence and presence in her life.

 _  
And yet. You don’t feel any of these things._  
  
Mikasa honestly felt broken. And she knew she needed more than just a band-aid to fix it. Happiness was becoming this fairy tale that was borderline fiction in her life.  
  
 _The least you could had done is go to an alleyway. Somewhere hidden. Somewhere secret. Somewhere away from everything. Like under a rock.  
_  
 _[[Two steps backwards, backwards and we’ll fall, falling away from you.]]_  
  
Her chest was racing, her pulse quickened, and the feeling of  _humility_  was reaching its peak. Her desperation hasn't fully accepted the outcome of the day. She couldn't accept. She was still aching inside.  
  _  
[[Two steps backwards, farther from you...]]_  
  
And the lullaby kept playing on cue, as if it was telling her a message, one she couldn’t decipher for now, nor could she understand why it kept playing in her head.  
  
 _Maybe it was the whispers that were becoming louder? Maybe it was the expressions? Maybe it was the way they smiled and pointed? Maybe it was the fact that you now know of Eren’s existence and CAN damn him if you wanted but just couldn’t? Maybe because you weren’t a child anymore and he treated you as one? Maybe because you could actually do something about it this time? Maybe because you’re the top of the class and he wasn’t?  Maybe, maybe——_ whatever it was, Mikasa wanted to flee, she wanted this to end.  
  
She glance at him once more, who was just looking ahead, trying to gather herself, but falling apart into little pieces, hoping to be placed back together by the masses that were picking her apart.  
  
Her grip started to tighten once more, her legs became heavier, and Eren noticed the shift. He asked her if she was alright, slowing his own pace to hers.  
  
It wasn’t helping, the whispers were becoming louder; they started to fade the song out. Mikasa didn’t answer. Couldn’t.  She stared at him briefly trying to find meaning to all of this but couldn’t. His eyes were puzzled.   
  
 _——this is your reputation. It’s not how effortlessly you slay Titans, nor that you were the top of the class, it was what you made of Eren to them and yourself that he became your reputation. Never mind that they don’t know that the reason you failed so miserably today was because you couldn’t reach out to a blonde trainee who appears to have you by her fingertips and that she revoked your speaking privileges, never mind all of that. This was it. Your brother had come to your rescued and everyone can now see how much you rely on him. How useless you become with him around._  
  
The last line hit her hard that she stopped walking.    
  
 _——how useless you become with him around._  It echoed.  
  
She closed her eyes and was trying her best to control her temper from within, a mixed feeling of frustration and sadness, and the irony of it all was how much she needed him this moment. She couldn’t  _damn_  him even if she tried _. Poison. That’s what this is_. It was slowly eating away inside her, for she knew he was her only reliable source to  _stand_  up right now.  
  
“Mikasa?” He questioned.  
  
 _Stand._  It echoed in her mind. Her throat started to ache and she knew what that was signifying. Her eyes widen, her vision was becoming impaired,  _not now. Not now. NOT NOW._  
  
 _Stand._  
  
Mikasa was screaming inside, damning her feelings and quickly suppressing them from prying eyes—— _especially from him_ ——using all of her strength she could muster. She simply couldn’t even enjoy this bittersweet moment with him, nor the attention Eren was giving her—— _out of guilt perhaps——out of concern——for what purpose was there in it? Why was he so cruel and yet so considerate now? He knows that I’m in no real danger. I know he made that assessment earlier, what is he trying to prove? Is it because of all these people?_  
  
“Hey, Mikasa!” Louder this time.  
  
Mikasa’s head was spinning, she honestly felt humiliation taking its toll, and all Mikasa wanted was to feel some pride in herself after all that has happened. She never wanted to feel belittled like this. She didn’t want to be questioned, she didn’t even want him to say her name, and she didn’t want anyone to know of her existence.  
  
 _Stop talking. Stop talking. Stop shouting. You fucking ani——NO_. Her brain shouted stopping it in its tracks before it could go any further to the point of actually _damning_  him, instead she focuses her anger on her leg movements and takes a step forward walking once more.  _To the pathway beyond the horizon that is never in your reach.  
_  
 _  
[[Two steps backwards, one step in, never ever leave again.]]_  
  
  
The song entered her mind again, and she welcomed it this time. It blocked everything else. _It blocked him._ Her thoughts even. And Mikasa just notice that this was perhaps the longest walk, she has ever been on, and she was certain she barely made it 30 feet from where she was; the thought alone wanted to make her cry.  _It’s that pathetic._    
  
  
After his third try of  _shouting_ , Eren stopped, and resumed walking the moment she did. She was grateful that he didn’t pick her up, nor offer a ride on his back. Even if they were family, they had respect for one another as soldiers. To his knowledge, he has just rescued her.  _He was doing the right thing._ He was not to blame for her  _selfishness_. He was being a big brother, he was looking after a fallen comrade. It was honorable what he had done with no knowledge of how she felt inside. For Mikasa couldn’t speak even if she wanted to.   
  
  
Eren had no idea of Mikasa’s internal struggle.  
  
  
 _Can’t damn family. Can’t chase them away. You might as well live. Come on. Two steps forward._  She started coaching herself, biting down any pain she felt from it.  _Yet_ ——Mikasa’s mind began as her eyes focus clearly on him for an instance once more.   
  
  
 _——and yet. You can’t help but notice his desperation upon running towards you._  She was seriously taken back by that. Not so much his action, but how he approached her.   
  
  
 _Did he actually notice…?_  She trailed off that thought thinking it was ridiculous to think about now of all places feeling a bit calmer inside.  
  
“Does it hurt to walk Mikasa?” Eren asked for the fourth time, this time Mikasa shook her head.  _My honest reply. Which was a lie. For it hurts._   _Because it didn’t matter if it hurt or not. I need to clean this up, and I can’t do that standing where I was_. She exhaled and glanced behind her and caught Jean struggling with Bertholdt’s weight, upon her glance, Jean freaked and straighten himself up, showing off to her of how capable he was.  
  
She smiled inside, it actually made her feel a little better, it was a kind gesture of him.  _Even if it could result in injuring your back._ She pressed her lips at that. She glances forward quickly to spare him the trouble of keeping his posture, she knew it wasn’t easy. She’ll be sure to thank him later for coming to her aid.  
  
  
 _When I speak_. She reminded herself quickly.   
  
  
She glances down at her knee once more and back up, even with a busted knee, she knew she was trying to make an effort, to make things right, how was she different than Eren at this point?  Even if the crowd before her whispered away into the day, it wasn’t going to stop her from taking Bertholdt with her. It was humiliating for her to endure, and as painful as it was, she wanted to see through it. This was a decision she had made for herself. It didn’t have to make sense to anyone but her, even if it was laughable.   
  
 _[[Never ever leave again, two steps backwards...]]_  It played softly, mocking her.  
  
She didn’t want this to be another  _failure_ , she wanted to learn from it, she didn’t want to be stopped. Within seconds her mind ignited.  
  
  
 _Failure builds character. It makes you a better person_. Her brain tingled, Mikasa’s eyes opened at that sudden realization,  _you want to be a better person for her, right? You care about your reputation when it comes to her right? This is not a failure, you stupid girl._    
  
  
And there it was.   
  
  
Her void disappeared. The song quickly faded. She was stopped in her tracks. Her throat felt swollen and it began aching. She allowed her vision to be impaired, and instantly they fell down her cheeks. She gave herself the luxury of not caring.  Eren was caught off guard by her display and questioned her if she was injured. If  _he_  was hurting her.   
  
  
Mikasa smiled, she blocked out anything he said, she could only shake her head as she cleared up her eyes with her free hand.  
  
 _I really am stupid, aren’t I?_  She thinks softly inside.   
  
  
And for a moment there, Mikasa had achieved happiness of self-worth.   
  
  
 _This is not a failure._  It echoed ringing in her ears. Her smile widen. Eren was certain she had gone insane.   
  
  
“Hey Mikasa, you’re injured here, what are you smiling about?” He question looking directly at her with curiosity.  
  
She quickly shook her head,  _yes I’m injured, but I’m happy_. Her joy was almost uncontrollable as she starts shaking inside. She knows what she must do.  _I’m going the wrong way!_ She shouts from inside, almost laughing inside, and frees herself from Eren.   
  
  
 _That’s what you wanted wasn’t it? For me to be free?_  It had taken Mikasa a while to noticed, but she sees it now, she knew why Eren rejected her so, why he was the way he was.   
  
  
It was because Eren didn’t want her to need him. It angered him that she excelled in everything she did, and how she’ll reduce herself to a mere child when it came to him. She was going backwards. And all Eren wanted was for her to go forward, to look ahead and fight. It always came down to privileges and priorities. And that was the real key to her reputation, she prioritizes him over everything she had done, up to this point.  And he would never admit the fact that he’s not one to rely on. He didn’t wish to take that responsibility. He didn’t want to be the reason for Mikasa’s mistakes.   
  
  
 _But Annie is one mistake I won’t regret._  She cheerfully thinks inside as she starts to take a step backwards.   
  
  
And the irony of it was that he believes that Mikasa is playing some cruel trick on him. She didn’t need him. Not in the least. To be reduced to a pathetic state of seeking him to abandon her own independence, disgusted him that he’ll always reject her. He was annoyed and angry at how blind Mikasa had become to not see that.  
  
  
 _You ran into Bert, you have gone blind._  Her mind responded quickly.   _That’s because all I saw was Annie._  She smiled softly at the thought. Than another idea came rushing to her head.   
  
  
 _Was that the reason you came rushing to my aid? You wanted to be needed? To be useful? Did you notice my lack of your scarf?_  She ponders these questions and found answers in Eren’s expression. He was confused and his eyes showed a twinkle of horror as she took another step back away from his reach.  
  
  
 _[[Two steps backwards, further away from you...]]_  Mikasa couldn’t deny it anymore, it was mocking her.  _This was the purpose of this song. Why it played so much in my mind._    
  
  
 _Desertion. Abandonment._  Eren was no longer needed. Everything she had assumed was answered. She was feeling liberated by her sudden news of having self-worth to even focus on him,  _this is the moment you should be proud of me, Eren._    
  
  
With a smile glue to her face, she turns around and starts walking the opposite direction.  _Never mind the pain in my leg, never mind if it takes me forever to get there, it’s something that I must do.  
_  
And just as quickly, her thoughts come crashing as Eren grabs her from her arm pulling her back. “Mikasa! Stop fooling around!” He _shouts_.  
  
Mikasa brings her eyebrows together and tugs her arm away, pulling Eren towards her. The whispers intensified around her, her ears start buzzing, the tune comes back on.   
  
  
 _[[Backwards, backwards, away from you.]]_  
  
  
 _Let go. Stop it. I don’t need you anymore._  Praying, hoping that Eren would know her enough to understand her base on her expression without saying any words.   
  
  
“We need to get you first-aid, stop playing around.” He said and started to make it seem as everything was before, starting to face the wrong way, undermining her questionable goal. Mikasa panics inside, this isn’t what she wanted, not in the least and desperately tries pushing him away.  
  
Completely unaware of the _new_  scene she’s creating now.   
  
Bertholdt and Jean know better than to say anything, they were quiet and baffled, much like everyone else, Mikasa ignored the sounds around her, her expression seldom, disappointment on her face, her joy quickly distinguishes from within.   
  
The day was starting to decline, and the world had lost some of its enchantment in this instant.  _The world is cruel, but also very beautiful_. She wasn't sure how she felt about that right now. But seeing her own family member not even understand her was a serious blow to her. She wasn’t happy. And the last thing she wanted was to fight him to prove a point.    
  
But Mikasa could understand his confusion, she wasn’t saying anything to help the poor guy, and it pained her inside that he couldn’t respect her decision to go the other way.   
  
  
Everything around her started to lose some meaning, everything began moving slower. Her fears were now being realize that he wasn’t going to budge. She knew how Eren was, and as much as she knew of it, the more alarm she felt inside. She was utterly disappointed. Painfully hurt by the entire ordeal. She blinked once to get her mind in gear not moving herself at all. Seeing his firm grip on her forearm.   
  
  
 _[[Away from you. Never ever.]]_  It was softer, tiptoeing in the depths of her mind, vying for her attention.   
  
  
She blinked twice, Eren turned around, his mouth open, his expression harden, Mikasa knew he would shout once more.  _Only——_  
  
“Mika——“ On reflex, she quickly punched him right in the face.  _[[Two steps forward, away from you!]]  
  
——I won’t let you. I’m not a fucking animal. _  The realization of what she has done didn’t even hit her the minute she made an impact. She knew what she had done, and frankly didn’t care for it. Eren’s expression harden, he had been knocked out of balance, forced to release Mikasa’s arm and was now struggling to stand up. He had to cover his nose and Mikasa saw the trail of red coming out of it. She didn’t flinch. Since it’s expected to see whenever you punch someone.  
  
   
  
Her expression frozen, still disappointed by his stubbornness, she had made the assumption that  _talking_ wasn’t going to be of any help. She couldn’t speak, and even if she did Eren wasn’t one to listen.   
  
  
Her heart began to harden.  _Stand._    
  
  
Her mind spoke as she stared at him, her hand was still a fist.  _Ready to be used if needed._  She was towering over him who finally manage to stand up on his own, with no assistance from anyone. _They were wise to not interfere_. She could see that he was hurt, confuse, and angry that she could do that to him.   
  
  
 _Maybe this is your new reputation? Maybe they fear you once more? Maybe it’s the fact that you did it in front of all these people that’s making it worse? Since when did Eren care about that? She scoffed at her voice. Since when did you give him all these privileges?_  
  
  
Eren was led to believe that he had a right to interfere into all of her affairs, that he was entitled to know about it.  _Whose fault was that?_  Mikasa knew whose it was, it didn’t require her to say anything. For a person with no voice cannot lie, can’t even deflect the truth into another direction.   
  
  
 _[[Away away, from you.]]_  She had made the assessment that Eren wasn’t going to die,  _he had survived Levi’s wrath, and this was nothing by comparison. Bloody nose never hurt anyone, though maybe your feelings?_  
  
  
 _Well, not anymore._  It echoed in her mind. Aggravated more than anything.  She gave him a final stare and started to walk the opposite direction, and for that split second, whatever pain she felt, it had resided. The void Eren created was far more than she expected to weight down on her.   
  
  
Jean was speechless, and as much as he may had secretly liked the abuse, he said nothing. Bert neither. Mikasa glanced at them once more and kept walking around them. Regardless of what she had just experienced, Mikasa wished someone would help Eren, not because of kindness, but because she wanted him to experience what she had. But Mikasa knew better,  _everyone did——  
  
——he’ll be too stupid to accept it. He’ll shove them away, disregard their kindness; be stubborn about it_ ——inside, she was incredibly spiteful and with step she made it actually made her feel like she was alive again.   
  
 _  
[[ Further further, way from you]]_  
  
  
Her step became lighter, everyone became a blur, her heart began racing for a whole new different reason.   
  
  
 _Annie._    
  
  
It started aching, she moved faster, and for a minute there, she didn’t care about how she looked. She didn’t care how ridiculous she would be if she ever reached her. She wasn’t sure where to start either, nor how much time was invested since that crash. She was back to square one, didn’t know where to look, but she was certain that she must find her.   
  
  
She made it down the street, turned to the left,  _nothing._ Walked down further and made a right, looked around,  _nothing._ She wasn’t feeling upset in the least. She was feeling happy, and she couldn’t tell if it was because of previous events, or the fact that she knew she was doing something she wanted.  
  
 _  
Looking for Annie._     
  
  
She smiled. She couldn’t suppress it. Just the sound of her name made her fluster, she felt like a child playing hide and seek, and even if she couldn’t ask around, she was happy to know that if ever she does find her, it will be on her own terms.   
  
  
She made another left turn, started jogging feeling her chest race faster and faster, as if she knew exactly where she was, it was the most peculiar feeling considering how aimless.   
  
 _  
Maybe it was the fact that Eren wasn’t here? Maybe it was the fact that nothing was holding you back? Maybe——_  
  
  
Her train of thought stops abruptly as two hands grab her by her jacket, jerking her into a room suddenly once more.   
  
 _  
Annie!_  

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don’t know about you guys, but I’m extremely excited. It took me 9 chapters to get to where I want! NINE! Now before I get into that, I’ll just talk about the elephant in the room, yes I made Mikasa punched Eren in the face. You’re probably wondering that I did it because I really dislike the character, and while that would make a very good argument, I will deny it, because it surprise me too. I wasn’t expecting nothing like that. But I can totally understand why she did it. And I will admit that I did get some satisfaction out of it. And while I would had love to see Eren fight back so Mikasa can deliver another blow, I opted not to, not because I was being kind, but because when you’re ‘popped’ by someone you believed would never harm you actually does it, it really leaves you shaken inside that you need time to process this. Okay, now back to my starting point, P14 has become my Holy Grail of this fiction. Ever since Annie walked out with Mikasa’s voice, I’ve been aching inside with each passing chapter on how to fix this problem. And all I can say is ‘OMG, it’s finally going to happen!’ I’m not sure what, or what to expect, but I’m going to be a disaster of emotions writing it because I’m having my OTP reunited again! Hope to see you next chapter!


	14. Part 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sometimes you have the habit of hurting someone without intentionally doing it. You don't even notice it. But it always happens. It doesn’t make us bad people, if anything it’s a reminder on how human we really are. When I first started writing this, I was lost for a while. I was completely dumbfounded by the entire situation I put them in. I began to ask myself various things, usually revolving about what it means to be in a relationship. How does one define it, and how does one own up to it. I was driving myself insane as usual, but because I was asking myself these things, it allowed me to venture into their thoughts more. It just made things all that messier and more confusing that it just took as long as it did. Which I’ll forever apologize for but I hope it was worth the wait. I dedicated this chapter to an old ex of mine, Christine. Happy reading.

You remember jogging aimlessly through the streets, feeling liberated from the wrath of an ill-mannered man. You thought you'd never understand what freedom was, not ever again. Not after that.

 

How naive you were then.

 

You remember the daylight shimmering upon the water from the fountain, a child's laughter nearby; you had found your purpose, or so you thought. It didn't matter where you had to go to see it. You needed to see her, to say how much you miss her. How you were still aching from before.

 

You are still aching.

 

You remember your heart coming to a sudden stop as a powerful force stopped you from advancing forward; and for a split second, you started to question just what was happiness, and why did you deserve it.

 

Just what was 'freedom'?

 

Your throat was cut open, your breath frozen, your eyes widening. A bird nearby flapped it's wings, flitting away suddenly, and for a second _——just a tiny second——_ you were that bird. Or so you thought. And you thought you knew what 'freedom' meant. 

 

You were thrown quickly into a room, your back slamming against the wall.

 

All you can remember was the pain, and you weren't sure if it was because of that bird, or the slam that was invoked on your back, or simply the image of the person before you.

 

Your life wasn't so simple anymore.

. . . .

 

_Annie!_

You shouted inside as both her fists held you against the wall. Her expression was serious, cold; her strength was on point, her grip tight around the collar of your jacket. You could not smile. You could not be relieved at the sight of her, and you would even dare to admit that, in that moment, you were terrified of her. So much that you could not control the impulse to place your own hands around her wrists out of fear. That she in fact scared you. That there was no trust.

 

_You are still aching._

 

Mikasa’s voice reminded her of such a useless fact.  

_... Nothing could ever describe, the way I feel right now._

. . . .

 

Knowledge was everything, and so was body language. At this precise moment, where body language dominated everything over verbal expressions, Mikasa was only focused on how powerful Annie looked before her. How she appeared to be have been waiting for so long to have her like this. To have mustered all of her strength just for this moment, and Mikasa had to be wondering just how deep her anger went. It was frightening.  Mikasa was none the wiser. She knew no better, even after everything that has happened, and it pained her that she had nothing to show for it.  

 

She had no words either. There was nothing to be said; only to feel, only to reflect on memory. That was the only thing that was left for her. That was the one thing Annie could not take away from her. She was in dire need of trying to make sense of everything. Slowly, her ache was building up inside to conjure up one such guilty thought:

_Just where did I go wrong?_

 

 _Da-ja-vu._ She blinked at this and realizes that it, too, was on point,  _just like that one time_. Mikasa had taken the lead in bringing Annie into an ill-favored room, away from it all to do something unspeakable,  _could.. Annie be..?_

 

 _Stupid girl._ Her mind mocked her immediately. She knew this was no time for such thoughts. Especially when Annie had her down like this.  There was nothing in Annie’s expression that would add truth to her suspicion.  

 

Her eyes were icy, piercing through her intensely. Just what Annie now saw in her; Mikasa had no way of knowing. And as much as she wanted to know, she also did not. It was not in her favor to know. They were all against her odds.

 

And her heart did not stop racing. Her silence made their time together drag on for an eternity, and Annie’s lack of action was nerving her to no end. Her grip did not lessen in this time and——to Mikasa——Annie had turned into a pure statue lost in thought.

 

It frightened her.

 

. . . .

 

In those silent moments, Annie had to observe her carefully, knowing that anything she could say would be of vital importance. She wanted Mikasa at her mercy. She wanted Mikasa to  _beg._ To—— _moan your name_ ——Annie blinked quickly at this new found sensation. Her heart started racing as her eyes widened slightly. Her mind was entering a place she was not intending to go. She was certain that she had successfully turned those thoughts away earlier. That she was now a much stronger person than before. That she had a purpose, and would not be led astray by such impure thoughtsof—— _having her whispering out your name——_ she quickly stopped herself.

 

She could not deny that it was exciting to have so much power  _over_  Mikasa right now.

And that excitement was slowly tiptoeing into a  _pleasure_  inside that she could not hide from herself.

 _Shame? No, ‘you’ will not rid me of it._ She told  _herself_ , feeling determined to have Mikasa say something.  _Anything._  Annie had no idea of the incredible irony of this thought.

 

Mikasa could not speak.

 

Annie allowed herself 10 seconds of pleasure, then swallowed hard. She had to focus once more, to remember why they were there in that room. Remember everything that had happened, and was reminded of her fury. It pained her a little to realize that she had forced Mikasa into this endeavor not even planning to have fun. Not planning to enjoy herself.  _For finding joy out of someone’s misery is just cruel, despite of how much she may deserve it_.

 

 _But_ —— _you were looking for me? Weren’t you?_  She glared at her, not saying a word, uncertain for Mikasa's silence and stillness. It surprised her that Mikasa did not strike back. It was not like her.  _Are you teasing me? Are you challenging me?_ Her anger was now growing, and it was intensifying into hate. She broke the silence finally and parted her lips to growl out, “Stop following me.”

 

. . . .

 

The room became dimmer although every sound suddenly became louder. The stillness and the silence that followed were overwhelming. Those words were filling the room and assaulting Mikasa with such force. Trying to crush her beneath their weight. Their anger.

 

Her voice had been loud and clear—— _demanding_ ——piercing through Mikasa’s ear and into her heart. Transforming those three words into incredible heartache; and just like that, she pressed her lips hard, her eyebrows grew closer. Her vision became a horrible blur, and her throat ached. Hearing her actually say that was the worst.  _It’s really going to happen. And there is no stopping it. Not this time._ She knew what was coming, it was all too painfully familiar.  Her hands began to tremble as she exhaled a soft cry of pain and swallowed quickly, feeling it consume her. It was unbearable.

 

 _This is the moment you break._ Her inner voice alerted her.

 

Mikasa wept in silence. Whatever she had been hoping to get out of this was already answered. Annie wasn’t interested. She did not want to be followed. She did not want Mikasa to be near her. This was all proving her earlier suspicions of whether Annie was really avoiding her or not; that it was not just in her head thinking the worst. Annie hated her.  

 

Hated her for everything Mikasa had done to her; wrongfully forcing herself onto her like that.

 

 _Yet, she kissed you._ Mikasa’s mind reminded her. At this point, this was just cruel and she knew it. Being reminded of such a moment was really out of line. It just pained her more. Confused her more than needed. She was having the hardest time trying to swallow that down as tears flowed out of her eyes. She really could not make sense of it. Perhaps Annie was just as cruel, like everyone had suggested before her, and this was a very cruel way to confuse her.

 

 _But what does it matter? The least she could do is not detain you any longer._  Her inner voice tried its best to sound logical, but it had an undertone of defeat and sorrow. But it still had a point as her fingers twitched, hoping that she would be set free.

 

_There was no point anymore._

 

But in the truth of it all, Mikasa did not want to be  _let go._  Even under this horrible situation she was in. She had Annie’s attention, she was under Annie's mercy at least, and did not wish to be forgotten. She was reminded of how she sought Annie out originally, in the hopes of not being forgotten. That she had kissed her to prove it. Now it was all going to be in vain. It pained her that she was not going to be a pleasant reconciliation, by any means. Even if she could, she would not mind being kept like this a little while longer if it meant having her near.  A part of her wanted Annie to be stubborn about the whole thing.

 

 _Masochism?_ Mikasa never thought of herself like that. She had no real opinion about it right now. She just knew that she needed to be in her presence. Just as long as it meant Annie looking at her.  _This is tolerable._

 

 _Even if it’s my pain, I want her to see it. To know that I’m still aching for her._ She declares to herself with eyes full of determination and tears.   

 

Annie’s expression softened as she stared at Mikasa in silence. Her heart slowly defrosted, being conflicted about the whole thing. She was relieved to see a reaction out of Mikasa, seeing that she was not some emotionless killing machine; and wondering if she has successfully broken the poor girl. She had never seen such a thing.

 

 _Your secret. She’s your secret._ Her mind reminded her. Annie was staring at her secret wither away, taking the form of a real honest girl. Showing the brutal honesty of her emotions; proving single-handedly of her obedience. Silence was her reply.

 

_Stupid girl._

 

 _This is the person that made you feel ‘shame’, the person that took away that joy of having none. The same person who would not give themselves to you fully but wanted you to. The same person you admire from afar, and_ —— _dare to admit_ —— _lusted for earlier._ Annie’s mind raced as she watched Mikasa’s pitiful display. Her useless struggle towards trying to break free. She honestly was not sure what to make of it. She had not foreseen such events, and it was genuinely bothering her.

 

What she saw before her was the farthest thing from whom she had known. For she knew someone incredibly strong, an exemplary among her peers, and someone to greatly admire.  _Never this._

 

 _You coward._  Her mind snapped alerting her of what she called her once, making her eyebrows come closer.

 

This quickly flared her up inside. She was beyond angry for various reasons, this was not the Mikasa she had feelings for.  _This was pathetic_. She could see that Mikasa was painfully hurt by her statement, she could tell by her ripped jeans that she was injured, and she knew that her comment meant a lot to her to see her come apart like this. Annie did not wish to say it, but it saddened her to see Mikasa like this. Because deep inside she cared for Mikasa, and hated to be the one that made her feel such things.

 

Annie was seriously under the impression that Mikasa was only trying to manipulate her further.

 

_Can’t hate. Can’t forgive. Can’t assault._

 

Annie’s throat was now starting to ache. Seeing her like this was enough to make her falter. She let go in hopes of not exposing her vulnerability and started walking away from Mikasa balling her fists in agitation.

 

To her, this was her  _kindness._  Walking away. Letting her be. Mikasa had shown her that earlier. She wanted to repay the favor somehow, and this was it.

 

 _Whatever confusion may come out of this was something to worry about later_ ——

 

Her mind was racing, she knew she was making things worse—— _but I refuse to be your puppet and be played with!_ Annie was furious. Whatever Mikasa was doing, she wanted no part of it.

 

Mikasa exhaled quickly at her release, feeling her legs become incredibly heavy. Even with ‘freedom’, she never felt weaker; never so useless. It pained her that Annie just _dropped_  her like that after delivering such a heavy blow to her heart.  _You've come this far._ Her mind began,  _so far._

Whatever kindness Annie thought she had shown, Mikasa was not seeing it. Annie had no idea of the cruelty of it all, nor how Mikasa was taking it.

 

Unconditional torture. There was no communication. In a situation where words would have been vital, nothing but body language spoke volumes. Neither was one to talk, to form any actual words with any meaning. To both, the other was in the wrong. And Annie simply walked away. She did not look back, and, regardless of how much it hurt Mikasa, it meant everything to her.

 

Her heart became filled with sudden desperation as she realized what’s actually happening; Annie was leaving, and Mikasa could not allow it.  _Not again!_  She took a step forward, held her hand out quickly, forced her eyes to focus through the horrific blur, and tried to grab on to  _anything_. Her heart was beating furiously, and dare she hoped, wanted to scream ‘ _NOTICE ME!’_ with all her might. Every millisecond apart was eating away at her.

 

_Even air would have sufficed! For all you need is effort. An effort that would say you’re ‘sorry’. Somehow. Someway. You must try. You’ve come this far!_

Her eyes flickered, her fingers twitched, aching to grab her.

 

 _You’re still aching_. Her mind reminded her. More tears came out of her eyes, rolling down her wet cheeks.

_Someday my feelings will reach you._ The words tiptoed playfully inside, breaching through her internal scream.

_Reach you._ It echoed.

_Reach you.…_ Her finger was almost touching her hoodie.

Annie noticed the sudden change from the corner of her eyes, her chest flares up, feeling such an incredible rush inside that she quickly retorted by slapping her hand away with great force.

 

 

_Forbidden to touch._

She almost knocked Mikasa over by the harshness of it all and grabbed onto her once more; shouting; slamming her back against the wall.  Everything was suddenly making sense to Annie. She knew exactly what Mikasa was doing to her. Without hesitation, she shouted “You seek me out of correction for your guilt!? I will not further your penance, you coward!”

 

Her voice was harsh and it cracked towards the end. Now Annie had tears down her cheeks. Mikasa’s eyes widened. She was a completely frightened and paid no heed to her own physical pain.

She honestly could not take it anymore—— _this is the worst_ ——Her cries become more painful as she let out a frail wail. She dropped her head in complete surrender. Her grip was tight around Annie’s wrists, and she knew that if she let her, Annie could probably choke her. End her life once and for all.  _Just how bad would dying be?_   She probably would have let Annie finish her off to spare her this pain.

 

“Don’t you dare!” Annie shouted demanding her attention once more _, because I am important. This is important._  Her usual cold stare was a wreck. She was frustrated with Mikasa and herself. She just hated everything in this moment. She wished that things were different.

_If only you had let me. ._ Annie’s inner voice whispered softly as her fingers trembled.  _Things would have been different._

 

Annie was not the only one wishing things were better. Mikasa, too, wanted to be happier. And in her mind, she had created that pathetic version,  _out of dire moments we think of happier ones, strange isn’t it?_

 

_But. . Someday my feelings will reach you._

 

It echoed again.

 

“Look at me!” Annie goaded, shaking Mikasa to regain her attention.  _It_  was finally said, but for an entirely different reason. But at the core, equally the same. She obeyed the command, trying to focus through the blurriness of it all. She finally stared at Annie in the same fashion she had hoped Annie would if she had said it. How she wished it was so; still, it could not.

 

“You want me to sympathize with you, so that I’ll suffer with you?” Annie sneered. She did not want to see Mikasa be the victim. Annie was the victim here, and she would be damned before letting Mikasa manipulate her in such way.

 

To forgive so easily over showing such a vulnerable state was cruel. It was frankly unfair. When did Mikasa show mercy to her? Her  _kindness_  was what made Annie into the mess that she is now. For kindness in this World was just cruel to have. It only leads to confusion.

 

And Annie’s  _kindness_ had faded. It was revoked the instant Mikasa attempted to reach for her, and now she could not return to it. Not while being this heated.

 

 _But what was the real problem here? The real reason for your hatred?_ Annie’s mind wondered softly. Annie did not wish to admit to it because of her  _kindness._  Mikasa had mislead her into believing in something that wasn’t there. And for that, Annie hated her. Hated her for letting Annie expose herself in such vulnerable state. Then to be rejected over a cloth, that was what hurt the most. And never mind that it was currently missing. The owner was still very much alive and present in Mikasa's life.

This all added fuel to her anger.  _Finally. Finally at my mercy._ Her heart was racing with excitement as her grip tightened.

 

Mikasa parted her lips slightly, her throat tight. Annie had had enough of her silence. She had had enough of her mockery. “I will have satisfaction for this wrong.” She yanked Mikasa towards, her making her misstep and her injured knee hit the ground, breaking the fall. “Speak, damn you!” Annie bark as she stared down, holding Mikasa up by her jacket.

 

There it was.

 

That was what Mikasa was waiting for. An incredible flare burned inside her and she screamed out, shoving Annie off her with all of her strength and breaking the gap between them. She pushed with such force that Annie had to recollect her footing a few steps back, fully surprised by Mikasa's sudden outburst of strength.

 

“Stop it!” Mikasa cried out, shaking her head as she glanced down and quickly looked back up. “If I wronged you, I didn’t mean to!” She shouted at Annie, still on her knees.

 

Annie’s eye twitch, she grabs her again demanding her attention once more. “Didn’t mean to!? You impose yourself on me!”

 

“I had a reason!” Mikasa blurted in her defense. “Just because you have a reason that doesn’t make it right, Ackerman.  One doesn’t have that right. ” Annie retorted.

 

Mikasa remained silent for a second and saw where Annie was getting at. She knew it was now or never. “You’re wrong.” Mikasa at this point had mastered the merits of being wrong, throughout her experience, she was wiser, at least about that part. And she had spent a great deal trying to understand, that she felt entitle to correct her.

Annie blinks at this. “Yes, even the lowest of humans have a right to express their feelings. Even my lewd act that would prove my insolence of the lowest human form has justification. For I am human. So are you.” She declared, raising her voice feeling her heart race.

 

Annie had to seriously step back, she released her staring in confusion.  _Human. She identified you as ‘human’._

 

 _Her ignorance is truly a wonder, isn’t it?_ Her mind mocked her. She felt a bittersweet feeling overwhelm her that she couldn’t help but to shed a tear, she could see her confusion and blinked.She truly wished that was true, that everything could be that simple. That we can all blame our mistakes in our human emotions. But Annie wasn’t just a human. She was mankind’s greatest enemy. And she was now sparing off with one of the strongest soldiers that can easily slay her if ordered without a second thought. Annie was ignorant of the possibility that Mikasa would have  _let her_  actually finish her off if she wanted to.

 

_Ignorance is a wonder._

 

It echoed in her.

 

 _But_ ——

 

She allows the feeling to sink in a manifestation of defeat take its toll on her.

 

—— _I choose the angst and heartache over the blissful joys of ignorance._

 

Mikasa finally rises up on her feet, and Annie could only stare in silence as her void from the within, deepen, she felt her throat clog up, needing the urge to laugh at the turn of events. Cry even, and found everything to be a horrible sick joke. 

 

“You’re incredibly cruel, Ackerman.” She finally said with a small smile.  It couldn’t even hide the painful expression on her face.

 _Cruel?_ It stabbed into her chest. Mikasa parted her lips, she softly panting from earlier events, and her chest hadn’t rested, this was growing incredibly painful; she looked to the side and back at her balling her fist. She thought she was being honest, even if she was wrong about it, but she didn’t think she was being cruel, not now. She wanted to make peace with her.  _But now. .._

 

_Be what it may, after saying your piece, you can’t change anyone’s mind in the end. If they end up thinking ill of you, they will. Nothing will change that. No matter how hard you try._

 

Her mind reminded her. Mikasa was hurt. Bad.

 

“I guess I am.” She responded with watery eyes.

 

_Why can’t I make you understand? Why must it be this way?_  Her heart ached, her leg fidget, her lip quiver, she was trying her best to hold it together but it wasn’t working.

 

At times like this where honesty was vital for either, it was a near impossible task to perform.

 _You’re my mirror._  Annie began, for Mikasa reflected how she felt. For she too was now withering away because of her own personal secret, and it was becoming unbearable for her to carry.

 

_You’re my secret._

 

 _You’re my_ ——

 

She stopped herself from saying it. It really pained her.  _Don’t believe the lies I say. For I wish you could be mine. . ._

 

Her eyes lowered and saw her uniform, perfectly displaying the impossibility of a future together. Mikasa was supposed to stop her. And much like her, she would happily surrender at her blade if she was ordered to.

 

_Ignorance is a wonder._

 

She shook her head lightly, drying her eyes to watch Mikasa standing so still before her. “You’re not.”  _I am._ She musters a tiny smile to show her. She knew that Mikasa was just going with the flow of things that were presented to her. She knew Mikasa wasn’t a bad person. She knew that she only said it because she wanted to accuse her of it.

 

_For a bad person wouldn’t look for you while being injured to correct themselves._

 

If anything, it proved just how wonderful she could be, and this didn’t help her situation. Mikasa took a step closer to her trusting her instincts that Annie wouldn’t injure her. That she wouldn’t lash out like before.

 

 _Maybe_. It was a foolish gambit, but everything was so far, so right now it frankly didn’t matter. Perhaps it was the loss of some blood that hindered her usual logic. She wasn’t sure, but she needed to see this through.  _You’ve only come this far._

 

With each step closer to her, Annie could see how troublesome it was for Mikasa to have come this far. Her injury was still very fresh, it wasn’t even bound, and it looked as if it had been made worse with their recent altercation. Each step closer was another step of pain. She was certain Mikasa was feeling it, even if she couldn’t read it from her expression. Mikasa was trying to mask it. Or perhaps she was so focused she had stopped feeling it.

 

It was cruel to watch. And Annie could see a horrible future that would await her if she’d allow herself to feel anything. It was already tearing her up inside. She even began to wonder if she herself could have also gotten up from such a thing. Quickly her mind started to take a turn she wasn’t expecting.

 

 _Could I?_ Her chest started pounding, her blood was rushing, and everything was beginning to look like a blur to her as Mikasa stood before her.

 

Perhaps it was the damp in the room that started to wear her out, perhaps it was the tears that were shed earlier that started to weigh her down. It was all utterly exhausting to endure. Her gaze dropped, staring at Mikasa’s boots. They were becoming blurry, and this was all becoming eerily painful to the point it was suffocating her.

 

Perhaps it was just the lack of fresh air. Perhaps it was the loud silence that made it that much worse. Perhaps it’s what she needed to say, but just couldn’t.

 

She parted her lips finally looking up, balling her fists together. Feeling her throat tighten.  “Mika…” She began and watched it demand Mikasa’s full attention to the point that she stopped advancing forward.  

 

Annie’s heart was racing, she swallowed hard and knew she couldn’t take it back.

 

“If I promise not to  _fall_ ——“

 

 _What are you doing!?_ Her mind started screaming.

 

——would you still care?”

 

The room grew quiet. Annie was shaking inside.  _If you were to speak, you’d ruin me._

 

 _Ruin me._ It shouted inside her, letting her entire defense down for the taking. Showing utter vulnerability to her secret and personal feelings. For it was then that she knew that she would  _fall_   _for her_  if given the chance. Her human form already had. This was proof of it all. Her anger, her torture, it was pretty obvious where she stood. Now Mikasa was exposed to it all, she could imagine that she had figured it out.

 

Mikasa blinked at her. She had no idea what Annie meant by that, but it paved the way to wanting to be accepted. And the last thing she wanted was to mislead her into being rejected. For Annie wasn’t one she was willing to reject. It was not an option for her. Her heart flared up and leaned forward, closing the distance a little more, grabbing onto her for this one and only chance.

 

“I’ll show you how much I care.” She declares, pulling Annie into her arms towards her and sealing their lips together.

                                                                              

And just like that; Annie was ruined. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is so brutally about her (Christine). It’s about an experience I had with her. It was a very messy time in our relationship. I was so lost and completely frustrated with her, and she was broken inside, completely devastated by other things. Our confrontation was not pretty. It was rather violent, I couldn’t touch her or be of any assistance, she would physically push me away, have some horrible tantrum. She was falling apart on her feet, and I couldn’t cry because I had to be stronger for the two of us. I couldn’t even speak because it bothered her. She eventually stated how much she hated me because I was her mirror; she really hated herself. And she couldn’t take that. She couldn’t take the idea of me judging her, even if I wasn’t, everyone was. My physical presence disgusted her. She wanted me so far away, and I loved her so much and I didn’t know what to do. It’s incredibly painful when you want to help someone and you just can’t. Especially if your presence is making them sick. It’s hard to decipher something like that. And while this wasn’t a fun thing to write about, I learned a few things about myself, and while it’s rewarding, it’s also incredibly draining. Each page starts to hurt a little more as you start reliving these things again trying to get a better understanding of how these girls can behave under such situations. I felt like this was the only way that I could you understand, and that’s by using a real experience. I love honesty in my writing, I think that makes it all that painful. Because without realizing, I'm so bare when I write. It makes me nervous, because you’re reading my feelings. Everyone is reading my feelings, and I don't think you guys know it. It's actually fucking scary. You can’t get any more personal to me than by actually reading my works. I put so much in myself in them, its nerve wrecking most of the time. And if you have read all of these, please know that I appreciated it greatly, but I must say that I will now take a break from this fiction and work on my other ‘5yr Old Annie’ fiction that I have promised for the past 4 months. I’m not giving up on FORCED, I just need a break from it. . because like Annie, I feel ruined too.


End file.
